I.

Fucking.

Love.

New Young Pony Club.

Last.fm has all these music videos from all of my favorite artists…it’s awesome!

I didn’t know Death From Above 1979 had a video for “Black History Month.” It’s my fave song. Oh…it kinda sucked.

But this MSTRKRFT video is fucking disturbing.

Okay, I’m officially lost in Last.fm.

That I am in damn good shape. I’ve been going for a jog nearly every morning these last two weeks, and I just jogged for eight minutes. It doesn’t seem like a long time, but oh my god…it’s the difference between outrunning the zombies and being a human lunch ;)

So I installed Dragon into another virtual machine, it is this super stripped-down version of Windows called Bullet XP. Terry got it for me.

I’m not really sure if it’s faster or not, but whatever, it’s working.

I didn’t do a whole bunch of my homework tonight. I should have. I had all night to do it. I just could not understand this one part of the factoring chapter.

So I’m still three sections behind.

I missed my geology field trip this morning, and I thought that I could somehow make up for that sin by getting caught up in my math class. But no. I’m just a bad student all around. I spent most of the day reading Wicked, a novel Brian lent to me ages ago.

I thought that it would make me feel a little better than wasting the night on the Internet.

It didn’t.

I went in the other room to brush my teeth just to come back to Terry messaging me and then signing off because I didn’t reply. My Internet connection is so unreliable. I get signed on and off all the time.

This week was really surreal. For one, I hung out with Kelly on Thursday. We met at True Love after I got off work, talked about all of our old friends, and drove around. But the startling reality was that we had very little to say to each other. And then it became that horrifying time when I just can’t stop talking because I’m deathly afraid of what will happen once there’s silence. I thought that it would be a good idea to go over to Macy’s and visit Terry at work.

It just got worse. She put on that expression that she puts on when you bring over a friend that she doesn’t approve of. I thought that maybe we could reconnect… watch some movies that… talk about philosophy… but we are such different people now. And I’m not sure in what way I mean that. Maybe it’s because she’s been dating the same guy forever. Maybe it’s that the only person that she hangs out with these days is Lacey. And it’s not just her…I look back on those times and have no idea how we all were friends. Or were all the things that we had in common just interests she stole from Dan? I couldn’t imagine us listening to Pretty Hate Machine again.

I just wish we could be great friends again…but you can’t force it. We had run out of things to say to each other in 40 minutes, and I remember nights where we would fall asleep discussing philosophy. I wish I could have just started yelling at her all the unfair judgments I’ve made about her, maybe she could yell back about how I talk shit and how I can never face her and I sit here and write petty things about other people because I’m too afraid to confront people in real life.

But I am too afraid. How do you start the conversation that might make someone you considered your best friend into the person who will only communicate with you via blasé stares across the Christmas turkey?

The whole thing was just terribly depressing and I couldn’t stop thinking about it, even when I was with Terry.

I just feel like such a bad boyfriend. And not like in the Garbage song.

A bad student… a bad everything.

I don’t talk about work a lot… actually, barely ever, but my boss asked me this week about some options. I work at a magazine, and like everyone else in the print industry we are facing complete annihilation. I wanted to hack a website together for them… a new web site, but I don’t have the technical skills necessary to make what they want… which is a 10 or $15,000 web site.

I feel like they desperately need to go into the digital realm. I was reading in a trade publication that 2007 is the first year that companies have spent more on online advertising and print advertising. So I’m torn.

Oddly enough, all I can seem to listen to is the Cardigans today. Gran Turismo is like, the best album ever.

I was listening to this song today and it totally reminded me of A.

I wonder what it’s like
walking by your side
To think before I talk
and to move at the same speed as you walk
I want to have a weight
to keep me in your state
I’m watching from above
I love it but it’s not for me

I feel like I’m paralyzed by feelings for people that I used to know. Not really as much romantically as old friends. Josh keeps asking me to come to San Francisco and see a movie at his theater, but since we’ve been talking for years about the crazy sex we’re going to have once we see each other again, that’s probably not a good idea.

I really miss being friends with him. We were both so nihilistic and we had so much fun in spite of it all. Nihilism is all about fun. I mean, I have friends I can relate to now, but every person you meet you relate to in a different way and you grow to miss all of the old ways that you used to talk to people. The comfortable silences created from months of conversation. I really miss Joe.

Okay, I’ll admit it.

I miss a few things about Crescent City.

I don’t miss a lot about that place, but I do miss the kind of feeling like you are all in this like one small ship on a mission of just surviving through incredible odds. I miss the beach… I miss being able to go out at night and be completely alone.

I miss all the people that I met there: Molly, Josh, Misty, Selena, Joe.

Oh well. There’s no going back. I can never relive the summer of love when I had just moved down here and we were partying downtown all the time and everything was great. Reality set in.

And I guess my life isn’t terrible, but I have this inescapable feeling that I’m falling behind in school and in my life.

I guess it’s because I haven’t gotten my scooter serviced. The only time I have to do it is Saturday and there are always busy. Screw work on Tuesday, I’m going to ditch and have it done. I’m nearly 300 miles over the recommended mileage. Can you believe that I put 5,000 miles on that thing since February?

Weird.

I’ve been thinking about Drew a lot lately… I happen to drive by the Chipotle downtown and was hungry, so I had a burrito. I had avoided Chipotle like the plague because it was where Drew and I would always go to eat. I don’t know why I’m so hung up on this… we only dated for like a little while though we had known each other for like six months. I just don’t know how to get closure about the whole thing. We never saw each other after I went to New York. He just stopped talking to me. And I can’t help but wonder whether he broke up with me preemptively so I didn’t dump him for Terry.

Was he lying the night before I left about wanting to spend more time with me?

I can never tell when people are lying. And I’m terrible at lying myself. Such a handicap.

So last night I hang out with Brian and his boyfriend Aaron. I don’t know whether I’ve written a whole bunch about at them, Aaron goes to school in San Diego and it’s a big deal that they can’t see each other. He was in town, and I was glad I got to see them. They’re a cute couple. And for once, I’m not like “fuck you cute couple!” ‘Cause I’m half of a hella cute couple :)

We went out for coffee at Naked Lounge, and I caught the eye of this guy. I could have sworn I knew who he was. And then it dawned on me. His name was Wayne, and I went on this terrible date with him months ago when Patrick was in town. He had this obnoxious Hispanic friend that I couldn’t stand, but he was just on the border of cute in his photos.

So I was consumed with finding out whether it was him. I sent him a message, and it turned out that, yes, indeed, it really was him. And now I don’t know what to say. I don’t want to talk to him, but mostly because I really hate his “BFF” (the annoying Hispanic guy).

Dating Terry is… surreal. I guess I’m just used to being single, but when I sort of daydream I picture what he’s doing…being at work, and I imagine him thinking about me…and it makes me kind of smile.

I guess his landlord is throwing money at him. $100 to paint the kitchen, he’s having Terry sell all his collectibles and split it 50/50. I don’t know… his financial situation is definitely changing … I feel like all of a sudden he has all this money and now I feel really poor and it’s kind of weird. I guess it’s just something I should get used to. I mean, God knows we both couldn’t have stayed poor for much longer. I was totally out of money.

But I did buy this amazing coat! I’ll have to take some pictures of me in it. It totally makes me feel like Jean-Paul Sartre.

So I’ve been reading that Simone de Beauvoir novel, and it is freaking me out. I mean, it’s semi-autobiographical and she dated Jean-Paul Sartre…it’s just really crazy, the stuff that went on in that circle. I always thought people living loveless, empty lives of despair and debauchery were those that grew up on LA in the 90s, but this novel has proved to the contrary.

Well, it’s one. I should get to sleep. I really need to get up early and bring my scooter in to see if they can do it this morning.

Today has been like a dream.

I guess that would normally mean it’s been good…and I guess it has been good. Woke up in bed with Terry, gave him a ride to work, got to work remarkably early, spent my last five dollars on lunch at Subway.

It’s only Tuesday.

I don’t know how I’m going to survive. Yes, I have food at my house. But it’s raining…it’s been raining all day. I haven’t showered and feel grimy.

Christen met me at True Love after work. I don’t know why I go there. Inertia. We walked to the bank on Capitol and ran into Derek.

It was kinda awkward…he was also going to True Love. I don’t know what to do today. Talked with Christen, and at first I felt really happy and was joking with her about the weird people we know…and then we walked over to Lumens and I just started feeling really fucking depressed. Maybe it’s the weather…I don’t know.

I asked why she didn’t show up at Second Saturday and didn’t call or anything, and I was right. She was over at Allen’s.

I’m not sure what I expected…an apology? I mean, it really wasn’t such a big deal, we did our own thing and hung out with Megan and Steve and the gang, but…I mean, the night before she was talking about how Allen was going to bail on her and do some kind of art performance.

And then she went and did the same thing. I dunno, it’s just one of those “eh, I love you, but god damn you’re unreliable” moments.

Well, Terry and I are getting along better than ever. He’s so damn cute. I’m sort of taking a different tack with the relationship…or maybe it’s just in the bedroom. I’m sort of learning to realize what I want and to do it. It’s kind of awesome. I’m too used to just mindlessly reacting to the mood swings of my exes that this kind of communication never developed.

So I’m in Terry’s house right now. I’m typing this on his MacBook. And like, I don’t have the impulse to snoop. I guess I did want to snoop on Adrian, but I didn’t want to know the reality. I kind of want to look at his porn, but I’m too hungry right now to be horny. I have an apple in my trunk…but I’m too lazy to go down there.

Today just really depressed me. I guess it’s really contagious. Christen says the only thing that keeps her going is thinking about her fantasy apartment…she went to Target to marvel at cute furniture and housewares.

If only I had such an obsession. Well, I guess I do have one.

Zombies.

I spent my entire lunch reading about the T-Virus and its derivatives. You know, I wish I could play Diablo II again. Days like this when I felt like I just wanted to curl up and die, I could be a victorious paladin (or sorceror…that was my favorite), fighting demons and the hordes of undead. But in real life the battles are more complex, and I just wish I could just level up.

I think I need to get off this fucking Internet, eat some food, and start working on my algebra. Class was canceled yesterday, and I need to catch up on my homework.

I need to stop reading about the T-Virus and ebola…I keep feeling like this world isn’t real…that we’re on the brink of some kind of horrible disaster.

Maybe it’s my horrible premonition that one day I won’t have that emergency stockpile of rice…that I’ll be out of everything. I don’t think that’ll happen, but I’ve gotten pretty close. Fuck. I’ll take a shower, then algebra time.

I’m at Terry’s place until he gets off work. I think he’s off at nine, and it’s 8:18. Not much time to do my homework. We need to stop sleeping in and missing class and work. I need to grow up.

It’s just that whenever I’m alone I feel like I’m the last one left.

Just want to say that I hate living with my grandma.

Hate hate hate hate hate.

I feel exiled from all my friends.

Drew lives too close. Brian too far away.

Terry’s a 45 minute ride, and with the Tower Bridge closed, Christen is on the other side of the world.

It’s 2:30 a.m.

I only did three quarters of one section.

Talked to Keith all night.

Listened to music.

Talked to Brian. Mostly about how my house is completely unprepared for a zombie attack. We have a fucking sliding glass door. Whose idea was that?

My house is going to have bulletproof glass.

I hate computers. I can never bring myself to read any more. I don’t have any place that’s my own. Fuck.

I kind of wish my dad would turn off the power to the house so I would get off the computer and do my homework like in high school.

Too bad my computer has a battery now.

What if I never read another novel?

I feel like I’ve become someone the earlier me would hate. Addicted to the Internet. Unable to stop IMing and face the fact that I was alone in this damn house all day. Fuck. My wrists are on fire. I need to sleep.

Well, here’s a video that made me laugh in spite of all this shit.

In The Know: Are America’s Rich Falling Behind The Super-Rich?