The Diary of Antoine Roquentin

I’m listening to Team Sleep…I just did a bunch of math homework, but not enough to catch up entirely. That’s for tomorrow. It’s graphing, y-intercepts, slope, etc. I can do it in my sleep. So I’ll hit up True Love tomorrow and do that.

So many things have been going on…I feel like I am Marcello.

I had this big epiphany on my birthday. My family ended up not planning a party for me, so Chris (that cool guy from Davis) took me out for sushi! He is officially my birthday savior. So we were talking about politics and relationships, and it just hit me.

I’m not going to compromise the person I am for someone that I don’t respect.

I’m not going to date a gay clone. I’m not going to date someone who doesn’t have any kind of respect for art or literature. I am a cultured, intelligent guy. And I am NOT going to listen to Britney Spears.

I’m not going to date someone who lives in a moral vacuum either.

For me, it’s all about living the authentic life. And for someone who just eats up whatever gay culture serves him up, that’s just not possible.

I guess how I feel is best summed up by Molly: “It’s like being a religious convert and annoying everyone around you with your newfound wisdom, except, even more annoying, you really are right. (Instead of just Christian.)”

I’m not willing to put up with boring people who suck down the status quo. But of course I’m not going to be vain enough to think that I don’t have to care at all about the rules that society has (like Adrian). I evaluate my own morality.

And really, I can’t fucking deal with it. I will never settle. I will never settle.

I tried to. I really tried. But it doesn’t work. We weren’t right for each other. At all.

And it’s systemic, I’m sure that he tells his friends about me and they all agree with him (because they are the same kind of person as him), and my friends take what we consider the higher moral ground. Neither of us are right, of course, because all moral values are arbitrary, it’s just that I don’t coexist with his kind of people and he doesn’t coexist with mine.

I’ve been talking to a lot of my old friends that I sort of lost touch with in all of this, and they’ve been really supportive.

Terry was right. Even though we did break up, I’ve learned a ton about myself and I think that Terry has too.

I wish him the best, and I don’t mean to sound judgmental (I try to preface all my judgments with the fact that they mean nothing to anyone but me).

And it’s interesting…issues I had with him, I don’t have with other people. Well, I don’t care if my friends smoke, I’m very live and let live, but my lover…that’s a different story.

I have a very clear notion of the kind of guy I’m looking for.

One who is well-read, intelligent, cute, cultured, and charming. I don’t think that’s too much to ask. Three out of five was amazing, but it wasn’t enough.

I think I just need to date another writer. :) Someone who is able to form logical arguments, cry when he’s sad, fight when he’s angry, and love me no matter what.

Terry totally writes off the HorseCow people, but they are an unexpected source of wisdom. In between Steve Winone’s drunken ramblings about Marcello Mastroianni (I am totally not kidding, we were on the same wavelength and it was awesome). I really couldn’t tell if he was hitting on me…Christen said he was, but I can never be sure. I’m such a straight guy. Anyway, he was talking about all the women he’d dated…all their different personalities, and how powerful the need for freedom is.

I guess I felt suffocated in a relationship where I had no freedom to be me and feel good about following my own moral code. I think I need to be in a relationship where we’re only together because we want to be, instead of this

I mean, I’m still going to think like that, but everything doesn’t have to be perfect right away. And if it is, then it’s awesome.

I guess being with him taught me that I really can get to the point where I admit to myself it’s not working instead of keeping the unrealistic dream going.

I wish I could discuss this in more detail, but this is going to have to do. The voice-rec is dead until VMWare comes out with a patch.

I got the highest grade in my class on my lecture geology test, but flunked my algebra test. You win some, you l lose some.

After class I went out and hung out with Brian and Katie at the Starbucks near the college. We had a great time, chainsmoking and talking about how much we hate everything. Katie and I even swing danced! :) We totally remembered the Texas Tommy from our class we went to ages ago.

Well, it’s one, and I have to work early tomorrow, so I’m going to sleep.

Oh, also, I got the cutest fucking thing ever. I got a Hello Kitty notebook.

Yeah.

I’m that hardcore. ;)