Categories: Ennui
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About Me
I'm a twenty-something writer and web designer based in the New York City area. In my diary you'll find fiction, nonfiction, essays, diatribes, fantasies, harangues and polemics. -
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Monthly Archives: November 2007
is this forever and ever 0
I feel so fucking conflicted.
So Terry and I hung out tonight. I met him at True Love, then we went to Safeway and got a money order, then we drove down to Macy’s to do some stuff.
We ended up at the Kasbah Lounge, got hors d’oeuvre and stuff to drink, and sat around talking and smoking hookah all night. We got this weird flavor, it was pomegranate or something like that.
And we had a great time.
The beginning of the night was kind of awkward…we didn’t really know what we were going to do, and made a few sexual jokes that came off kind of oddly. We declared a moratorium on those kind of “in” sex jokes where you reference what you’ve done.
I just like…felt really odd. I mean, it was second nature doing errands with him, but we got along fine and talked and were jovial…which was how it was most of the time.
Towards the end of the night, we started talking about other things…and I just kept looking at him, and I just wanted to push over the table and kiss him in front of everyone. But I don’t know why…is it loneliness? Am I just clinging to what I know?
But like, the thought of touching—god forbid having sex with—any other guy makes me want to die. I just want him. But then the thoughts of our endless fighting, and then the thoughts of our cute afternoons lying around at his house surfing Digg…it’s just SO FUCKING CONFUSING.
I want the boy so badly…but I was the one that started this. I was the one that thought it would be a good idea to break up. And now, I’m not so sure. I have no fucking idea. But I know, my mail program is going to chime and it’s going to be the email saying that we’re…oh. I just checked Fbook. It says “in a relationship” but not with him. He deleted it on his end.
He’s always meticulous about those kinds of things.
But I can’t stop thinking about him. God, it’s 2 a.m. and I’m in Christen’s loft bed and can’t sleep and all I can do to cope is imagine him lying next to me. And then I try the game where I attempt to reconcile all the things I don’t like about him with all the things I do like.
And then there’s the breakup of Brian and Aaron…they seemed to have everything going for them but distance…and it’s over. Terry and I have so much going for each other, but we’re so different.
But what if I never find the impossible kind of guy that I think I’m looking for? What if Terry is the guy for me and I’m just letting it pass by? This line of thought…I can’t get it out of my mind.
And when I look at him, he always gives me this pitying look…and then I try not to cry.
Tonight, I drove him home and I was holding his hand as we were driving (on the scooter you have to have your arms around the driver…which brought back so many memories). And then we got back to his house, and I meant to just give him a hug goodbye…but I just couldn’t let go. I just wanted him. I wanted to hold him…to be there for him…to be his boyfriend, and then all the bullshit issues, flashbacks of all our fights, all our issues…
It’s tearing me apart to see him go…
And I don’t know how he feels.
I feel like I’m holding on to something that’s already gone…I want him so much…and…
…he’s not responding to my texts. He’s not on AIM.
Maybe it really is over, for him. I just don’t know…he doesn’t express his emotions the way I do.
When we were back at the house, I was giving him a hug, I said “The whole night I just wanted to kiss you…”
He moved back a bit, our foreheads were touching…and we kissed…and it was the most amazing kiss that I thought I would never have again…I tried so hard not to start crying…and he opened the door and motioned for me to leave.
This is fucking killing me.
All I can do is listen to that stupid Kylie single and pretend that I don’t think it’s about me and Terry.
My feet are dangling out into the dark…the fan is spinning in front of me…Christen is sleeping to my right (I put my laptop down on her feet on accident). And I want to just scream:
THERE IS NO FUCKING WAY THE WORLD CAN KEEP GOING ON WHEN I FEEL LIKE THIS
I want to break windows, trash everything, beat up everyone.
YOU’RE NOT REAL IN A WORLD WHERE TERRY AND I COULDN’T MAKE IT WORK
I didn’t eat forever after the breakup. I forced down a sandwich for lunch, but it feels good to not eat…the emptiness inside mirrors how I feel. I haven’t been brushing my teeth…it’s a chore to remember to plug in my phone.
It seems like we’ve been broken up for weeks, but it’s probably only been like 48 hours. It feels like an eternity.
I’m trying to think of some kind of terrible secret that I can tell to rid myself of all this pain….but there isn’t one.
Nothing I can say will make this right.
Nothing I can do will fix this pain.
And I will never feel right for thinking that breaking up was a good idea.
I guess I’m the one who ended up being the silly fool.
I felt good that I finally had the courage to own up to the fact that we had nothing in common. But now the waters are so muddy that I don’t know whether I’m drowning or ashore.
Categories: Ennui
call your number wishing I could make amends 1
Roads are getting nearer
We cover distance but not togetherThere’s no room where I can go and
You’ve got secrets tooI don’t know what more to ask for
I was given just one wish
Brian gets off work in ten minutes. I think we’re going to get something to eat. That would make me happy.
I don’t know why, but I’m all about the Röyksopp this week. I went over to Terry’s last night. We got in bed and cuddled, and I finally stopped crying and got to sleep. He was giving me the strangest expression…I guess I was giving off a strange vibe too. It’s just so strange…we like each other so much, but we just have different paths to go on to achieve happiness.
I was texting Aaron (brian’s ex) today…we’re all in this melancholy slump. I think I have a big test in algebra Wednesday, and I still don’t understand this one part. I wish the school was open today, I could go to the tutoring place. But if it was open, then I would be slipping farther behind. I’m always slipping farther behind.
Tried to save myself but myself keeps slipping away…
This one is a little more upbeat, but still sad.
And everywhere I go
There’s always something to remind me
Of another place in time
Where love that traveled far had found me
I don’t know what to feel or think. I just keep staring at my computer screen.
Hoping it will tell me something.
There’s great stuff on Digg…rumors of an Apple ultraportable. Videos of the user interface of Google’s new “Android” phone OS. But I don’t care. Driving back from Terry’s I stopped at Arden Fair, hoping Christen would be there. Hoping that being around people would make me feel less like crying.
I felt like I was in Eyes Wide Shut or Nadja…a movie set during Christmas.
Aaron said that Brian might be on his lunch, so I went down to Country Club. Felt horribly depressed and hungry, got a small sandwich.
Walked back to my scooter. Drove home.
I feel like a machine. A machine that can’t find common denominators for rational expressions.
The song that’s been stuck in my head is “So Easy,” this song that uses this sample from “Blue on Blue.” It’s really depressing.
I dunno…all I can do is listen to music and try not to cry.
So pathetic…I even listened to “Don’t Speak” on repeat for an hour.
Categories: Ennui
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Categories: Ennui
the most inexplicable porno ever 0
Seriously.
What the fuck is going on in this picture?
You couldn’t pay me to download this. Well, unless somehow it came with pizza.
This is almost worse than NicoTeen. Almost.
Categories: Ennui
ashes, ashes, we all fall down 1
My day actually turned into a really fun one. I was with my fun lab partners, and we spent most of the time joking about how I had killed my old lab partner and exchanging funny gifs on our phones.
We did get a good amount of studying done though, I think I’m going to rock the metamorphic rocks.
Whoa, I have been doing way too much algebra. I saw the two “rock” words and my brain immediately spat out “oh my God, they are equivalent words! They cancel out! Now to factor them….what’s a letter that multiplies to K and subtracts to O…”
Yeah. I’m an algebra nerd for the next year. Deal with it.
I was going to get to sleep really early and work on some of my homework in the morning, but then I got started talking to Terry about our master plan for the next few months and various other subjects (we shared our Google Calendars so we can see when the other is busy or free or at work, etc.)
And then I had this urge to write Mario the letter that I had been meaning to write him for ages. I don’t know… I feel like it’s too harsh. I’ll read it again in the morning.
As I was typing the last line, iTunes went silent. I had listened to every single Dresden Dolls song while I was writing it.
I keep listening to “Bank of Boston Beauty Queen” and thinking of the guys I dated when I was sixteen. Or the sixteen-year-old I dated later. It’s weird dating all older guys and then you are an older guy and the tables are turned.
And it’s strange when you turn 18–this magical number where you can’t date anyone that’s 17 any more. I don’t know what kind of age group I’m attracted to…I do tend to date younger guys, Terry’s 19, I guess ’cause everyone over 25 that still dates is either jaded as hell (Mark) or living a complete and utter fantasy (A.).
Is every gay guy robbed of all hope on their 25th birthday? I wonder.
The whole song is about going back to places you used to hang out as a teenager, and it’s totally my life. Every day going to work I drive by the high school Kelly went to. I sometimes think about what Kelly and Becky (in their 17 year old selves) are doing right now.
Does nostalgia just get worse as you amass more and more memories?
And 3 a.m. rolls around…just like…well…clockwork. So much for getting up early.
I’d rather write than sleep anyway :)
Oh, I wanted to write about this…remember how I always dream about zombies?
Well last night I had this dream that I was in this barn and my friends and I had made this platform that was above where the zombies could reach…but it was only like seven feet high…not a big enough safety margin for me, and someone ran in and said “Look! They’re all dead! It’s over!” so we lowered the platform and went out into the village. There were dead zombies all starved to death everywhere and all the live people were celebrating in the streets. My friends and I were overjoyed and ran out to celebrate.
That’s like…never happened.
I think that the zombies are related to my fear of AIDS. And since I’m negative (just got my results a last week) maybe my subconscious thinks I’m out of the woods.
Categories: Ennui
if you kiss me, mister, take responsibility 0
The letter I wrote to Mario. I want to send it, but I feel like it’s too harsh.
I don’t know why it’s taken me so long to write this. I wanted to be absolutely sure that I meant everything… or that it all made sense, but I realize now that it really doesn’t make sense.
First of all, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to cut you off. But I felt it was the only way to insulate myself from everything I felt towards you and against you. The truth is, I can’t be friends with you and date Terry. He really wants to hurt you…it’s so barbaric.
I had a lot of fun being around you, but the way that it all transpired was just… wrong.
Now for the obvious: I should have broken up with Terry before we did anything. I shouldn’t have gone over to your house when I was feeling vulnerable. But I knew what was going to happen. I just hoped that you would be a good friend and not instigate it.
You told me that we could be more than friends, that when I look back at what we have done, all I can feel was that I had betrayed somebody that I cared a lot about, and you didn’t seem to have much of a problem with that. You went after what you wanted without regard for anyone’s feelings but your own.
Yes, I admit, I’m not a saint, but when someone has a significant other you don’t lure them into your bedroom and start touching them. I don’t find that honorable. I know that we will probably run into one another someday, and to tell you the truth, I wouldn’t know what to say. Of course, if it’s with Terry, you should probably steer clear of him. He can’t own up to his own part in why that happened.
I must admit, for those few days I had such a fantasy. Terry would just sort of fade away and we would ride off into the sunset blasting CSS. But we weren’t pursuing this in the way that you should pursue a relationship… well… one normally does that when they are single. Terry thought that you orchestrated the breakup from that guy you were seeing at the time, and that was one of the things that led to the whole thing…him calling me drunk and repeating that you were single.
I still think that he wanted me to cheat on him. That what we did was the only way he knew how to exist… he only knows how to have people betray him.
I don’t know why, but I always half-seriously considered you “evil.” Well, I guess the characterization was easy because whenever Adrian and I would have a fight he would be off to join you at the club. I just get such a strange vibe from you… it was cute that you were aloof and unable to put down your iPhone, but I guess when it really came down to it I couldn’t trust you.
I mean, if it all had developed over a period of time and we had gotten to know each other (God, when does that ever happen?) instead of what really happened, then we might have had some kind of a shot at it. And if I were to just dump Terry, what would have that said about me?
Truth be told, I’ll always remember that night fondly. The act, in itself, was cute and loving… but that kind of happiness in a moral vacuum came at a price that was too high.
I remember after I told him, I was curled up in a ball on the floor crying, and he told me to get out. I had never felt so wretched and terrible. I remember going upstairs and crying in his bed alone for hours. All I could think of was what I’d done to him. I guess I never understood how much he meant to me.
I just can’t reconcile the happiness I felt with you with what it did to Terry.
As you must know, we are dating again. I don’t quite know why we’re together, I mean I can’t summarize it in 500 words or less, but I don’t feel like him and I are over. I had been jumping from infatuation to infatuation all year and I didn’t want him or you to just be another link in the chain. I was at this point where I was so confused. Getting likes and dislikes of one ex confused with another… I was in a really bad state. And Terry and I had closed off from each other emotionally. And then there was you.
I guess this is in politically correct, but I don’t regret what happened at all. I think you’re an interesting guy with good taste, but the way we went about this was wrong from the beginning.
And so you sort of see why we can’t be friends (if you were to forgive me the massive faux pas of ignoring you for like two months). Terry would have a fit (and rightly so), and I don’t think that I could assure him that something like that wouldn’t happen again. He’s got some serious problems, but don’t we all.
A friend of mine in my geology class told me that she got involved with one of those “my mother never loved me” types and four years later she realized she had nothing. But another friend, who was the one in the relationship with those kind of issues, tells me that it was his boyfriend that helped him through it all.
I don’t know what the future holds, but once this is all over, I’d sure like to tell you about it over a cup of coffee.
Until then, I have to do all of this ignoring stuff. I want to keep talking about what should have happened, but that’s kind of irrelevant. I guess what I’m trying to say is I wanted to be your friend at least, and your boyfriend at most, but I saw some of your true colors, and it scared me.
Categories: Ennui
Regret 1
I am having the most unproductive day ever. It started at one o’clock in the morning, when Terry tried to convince me to get up in another five hours and go down to the welfare office to apply for food stamps. I need to do it, because I haven’t been to a doctor in like five years, and once you are approved for food stamps you are automatically eligible for like every government program in the world.
I got up really early this morning and spent nearly 2 hours doing my math homework. I got nearly nothing done. I don’t understand how to do this one problem type… you are supposed to factor all these polynomials that are in the form of fractions and then most of them are supposed to all cancel out, but none of them do because they all have different variables. So I went to my class hoping (even though everyone else is sections ahead of me) that she would say something that would help me. Nope. And to make matters worse, I forgot my calculator at home. So I couldn’t do any homework in class. I’ve pretty much given up on section 6.1, I’m just going to attempt to solve the problems and then write the answers at the bottom. She’s not going to give us many problems like that on the test, so whatever.
Days like this I just feel angry at everyone. My grandma was bothering me all morning asking me how everything was going, and I just wanted to go “BITCH LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE? DO YOU SEE I’M EATING BREAKFAST? THAT MEANS CLOSE YOUR FUCKING FACE BECAUSE I’M NOT AWAKE ENOUGH TO DEAL WITH YOUR BULLSHIT!” But she’s been nothing but nice to me ever since I’ve been here, so I can’t do that.
Anyway, I have geology in another hour and I don’t understand anything of that’s going on. I mean, I get it, but I’m going to have to study all the different kinds of faults and I know that I won’t study and I know that I’m going to get a bad grade. It’s like I can see the future ahead of me and I can’t do anything to change it. On Wednesday I always promise to spend a whole bunch of time working on my homework and catching up, but I haven’t done that all semester. In my math class we’re about to start coordinate graphing and that was about the time that I dropped the class last semester. I think I’m just going to have to give up on all the homework on chapter 6 and just start with chapter 7. It’s such a shitty feeling when you are bogged down with so much work and it’s all your fault. The only small consolation is that I understand the kind of problems that she’s teaching to us now, so I think I’ll get good grades on the tests…it’s just this one pocket of unsolvable problems stopped me from making any headway today.
Instead of buying a new pair of pants yesterday, I should have been working on my fucking algebra.
Just two more classes. Just two more classes and I can graduate. I think I’m going to have to take the lab portion of my geology class over again. I’m doing terribly in it. Well, we were able to correctly identify all the metamorphic rocks that we looked at last time. I guess that’s a good sign. The way the classes set up he just gives you rocks and a sheet of paper with their properties and you just have to figure it out. The problem is, if you figure them all out wrong you remember them all wrong and you write the same wrong answers on your test.
It’s not like during the lecture he passes us all examples of each kind of rock. No, not at all. He will hold up a specimen for like a second so that only the people in the first row can see it and then maybe pass one or two around but they have nothing on them so I don’t know what kind of rock they are. This guy says that he’s been teaching geology for like 30 years and I’m really surprised that he is such a bad teacher. Well, I’m a visual learner. Show me the fucking rock, tell me what it is, and I’ll remember it.
I’m just sick of this kinesthetic bullshit.
And I feel really bad that I didn’t go with Terry this morning. I sent him a text and he didn’t respond. I don’t know what that means. I would have been down for going except for that I absolutely can’t miss my math class because I’m so behind. That and he sprung this on me after I had already been asleep for about a half-hour. My phone chirps, I wander over to the computer, and ten minutes later he’s berating me for being lazy because something he wants to do doesn’t fit into my schedule.
Whatever. My nerves are just fucked today. I left my math class during the break hoping to go to the library and catch up on my work, but I had forgotten my calculator. Today is just one of those days where you think it can’t get any worse and then it does.
If I manage to get anything done today (a miracle at this point) it’s going to be showing up at both of my classes on time. So I’m going to post this, have a snack, get on my damn scooter, and go right back to the college.
30 minutes early.
Punctuality counts for something, right? *exasperated sigh*
I want to go over and visit Terry after school, but I have too much math to do. I need to deny myself all worldly pleasures until I get this shit done (yeah, like that’s going to happen).
Categories: Ennui