The Diary of Antoine Roquentin

I hate Flash sometimes.

I made this huge video blog and posted it and I totally didn’t work. So I’ve kind of been stewing about that for the week. I hate not being able to express myself. Oh well.

What’s happened since the last post? Sam moved back to Reno. The thing with Zero is close to being officially over. Brian and Love Of His Life Johnny are getting more and more chummy.

I’m beginning to think that relationships will only work unless you completely stop talking to all your friends. Or if you sacrifice your friends for a relationship.

Christen and I might hang out on Monday. I so rarely see her these days that I treasure every moment with her. I’ve been making lolcats and such lately. Here’s my favorite one:

I was looking for my iPhoto library for some cute pictures to make into them, but I made the mistake of going back a whole year’s worth of pictures.

So.

Fucking.

Depressing.

Christen and I used to be like inseparable… and now she’s dating a guy that can’t be in the same room as me or else he freaks out.

I’ve been trying hard this year not be bitter. I mean, of course whatever happens I will always love Christen, but I miss a lot of my old friends.

And, oddly enough, I miss Alex the most.

I’m such a sentimental fool. Going to San Francisco reminded me of him terribly. We even took the Ocean Beach train that goes right by his house. The sinking feeling when I drove by the Safeway that we would go to. I mean, the whole thing lasted maybe like two weeks but it had such an impact. I mean, I pine for Drew all the time, but I have to pretend that I don’t because he couldn’t care less.

I miss the promise of an amazing relationship. For all the times that things have turned out terribly, I’m still waiting for some amazing person to come and sweep me away to Dubrovnik and Prague.

The promise of a blue, sunlit life under the soft glow of a MacBook screen, watching the trains go by outside, lying in the San Francisco sand.

It was a romantic fantasy the likes of which I’ve never experienced.

But reality had to intervene. I can’t afford to go to San Francisco every weekend, let alone every six months. I was so swept up in the idea of it all that when we did end up naked in his bed I had no idea what to do.

Well, that and the fact that he couldn’t commit to me. It seemed like an “it’s not you, it’s me” but we really didn’t mesh. I’m not a San Franciscan. I don’t feel like an adult even though I’m like three years older than him.

I fall in love all the time. With new friends, new foods, new lovers. I’m in love with the guy from Paris right now, but that’s another story.

I can’t judge Brian because I know what he’s feeling. But I can’t help but feel like it’s going to threaten to tear our friendship apart.

He made the ARGUMENT THAT SHOULD NEVER BE MADE tonight.

I had nothing to say.

But I did make one decision. I’m going to read Anna Karenina. According to Wikipedia, it is the highest rated novel ever. I remember Sarah saying that she had started it, I don’t remember whether she said she liked it or not.

I’m listening to Fiona Apple. And I’m completely unapologetic about it.

I want to be Chris from Davis. I want to be somebody that is unable to tolerate people that don’t live up to his moral standards. This is why he is online 24 hours a day and never seems to do anything. But at the same time I’m terrified of becoming the bad side of him. The person that has standards so high that he won’t allow anyone to talk to him.

I saw on Facebook that Adrian and his wife are renting a room in their house. They describe themselves as a “young married couple.” It’s infuriating how I will never have that kind of politically correct cover for my life.

On my bad days, I look at my coworkers and wonder if they really know what’s going on. If they can step out of their Elk Grove fugue state. Probably not. I’m in a fugue state of my own. Counting down the day until I graduate. Not able to talk to anyone but gay guys. Sex underscores everything we do.

December 18, 2008, I will have an A.A. in liberal arts.

I feel like at this point in my life I should be living in my loft working at a swank graphic design firm.

But that’s a ridiculous, clichéd dream. It’s like how all gay guys want to be fashion designers or makeup artists. I wish I could climb out of myself and become something that’s not dictated by all the media I’ve absorbed in my 22 years.

I like being an artist and a writer. I chronically underestimate my talents. I’m passive-aggressive as hell, I have trouble finishing the things I start.

I feel like I’m better than everyone because I’m used to being the big fish in the small pond in Crescent City. In real cities, I’m just another douchebag.

I’m in introspection mode tonight because Brian keeps telling me that I’m really mean to people. Which, of course, is true… but I’m not mean the people that I care about. Being catty and being mean are two different things. I find it hard to pass up a good joke even if it’s at the expense of a friend. Which is definitely not a good thing, but hardly an impeachable offense. I love my friends. That’s why I care who they date and who they are.

But this isn’t about me being mean to people. Brian and I are mean to people all the time. For god’s sake, last year like now we were taking fake Caitlin Hines pictures to make fun of her. This is about me not having a shred of a respect for Brian’s boyfriend. And for Brian, an attack (or apathy) on his boyfriend is an attack on him since he defines himself through his boyfriends.

I don’t mean to attack Johnny. We just have different value systems.

My value system:

People that don’t read real capital-N novels are ignorant. People that solely read young adult fiction are idiots. People go to church to tell each other lies and to reinforce the misguided belief that they are doing good in the world.

People who don’t read, who don’t question what they are told, who don’t seek out answers other places than the ones served up on a platter by the establishment, are doing their part to destroy this world.

I feel like the battle between ignorance and transcendence is happening in this very room. I guess in a strange way that was what I found seductive about Adrian. He was wrong most of the time, but he have the tenacity to stand up for what he believed in no matter what. I can’t decide whether I’m ready to completely discount people on the basis of my preconceptions, but one other barometer do I have? Christen is much more likely to completely write off people than I am (and I am jealous of her ability to do so) but I feel like there is some iota of intellect in everyone.

People want their preconceptions to be reinforced. I read this study linked from Reddit that said that when most people go online to find out answers to questions, they already have the answers in their minds and they want to find out that they are right. They will discard information that contradicts their beliefs in order to prove themselves right. For the weeks after I read that article, I realized that I was doing it too. I forget what I was looking up, but this one thing I was researching I realized that the first result on Google was a page contradicting what I had thought the answer would be. I ignored it and clicked on the one under it that was more in line with my beliefs.

We all do this. We want to feel like we are right, like we have a plan that would cure the world, but since truth is subjective, there never can be such a thing.

I felt like tonight Brian mostly reading off a list of things that he knew would make me angry. He wanted me to validate his choice of Johnny. I just want to know: why is he telling me? Whose approval does he need?

I think he sees now that he’s going to be with this guy, they’re going to be hanging out by themselves. And if they’re going to be hanging out with me, I’m not going to suborn a vacuous way of life.

I don’t know why, I can’t stop thinking about Alex and Drew tonight. Doom after doom. If only I knew what was going through Drew’s pretty head. When we were at Rasputin’s in SF, I saw the Murder, She Wrote DVD set.

I’m so angry and dismissive of people, and then months later I would give anything to be back at that moment, the first kiss, the furtive glances, the awkward meeting at Adalberto’s. The fish sweater.

I’ll get over it.

Someday.