Christen bailed on me today, so I did my taxes and watched two movies.

Taxi Driver and Network. Both excellent films.

Wrists hurting a lot today. Bought Seventh Tree on the iTunes Music Store. I still hate it, save for like two songs that I’m already sick of since it leaked in November. Eh, Alison needs the money.

Have to get up at 8 a.m. and take my scooter in, blow $200 on the servicing. I’m going to get a bunch of money back from my taxes, and I’m just burned out on buying shit. I have an awesome laptop, which was all I ever wanted. I should get a Time Capsule though. I’m sick of having to plug in to my external drives. Wireless is the future.

Also, that new native voice-recognition thing for OSX is coming out, which will be $200 or so. I’m so sick of being poor.

And by 9 a.m. tomorrow morning, my credit card will be back to its limit and I will have no new cool toys. It’s a matter of time until that scooter stops starting entirely.

Isn’t life just peachy?

I need to find something to play my Violator cassette on.

I need to stop stalking my exes on Facebook and hating them. I just want to scream at them that their lives are a lie. Mostly, I’m angry that they are having fun without me and that they’re living fun, happy lives. I feel like my friends have no time for me, and I also feel like I have nothing to contribute to friendships. I don’t know what Katie and I talk about…I was feeling lonely so I ditched class today and hung out with her, the boyfriend, and her friend Wednesday. Most of the time was me chiming in with some witty thing, but I didn’t know what to do or say. I feel like she’s a familiar stranger, and I have a lot of respect for her, but that doesn’t necessarily mean we have a lot in common. I love Katie, she’s one of those people that you can’t help but love.

I’m so sick of living in purgatory. I’m so sick of living out the “safe” life that my mother wants for me. Days like this, I just want to head down to the Greyhound station and go as far away as I can get. But with my current financial situation that would probably be either Reno or San Francisco, which would just be even more soul-crushing.

I miss my mom.

Found out that like all of Mario’s friends hate me, which I guess isn’t surprising. 80% of his conversations are about how immoral and horrible Greg is, and the other 20% is about how trashy Erika is. I would be scared to compile statistics on what I talk about. 10% vague unease about graduating, 20% the drama with Brian, 20% how ambivalent I am about being good friends with Mario, and uh, that’s it? It’s hard to self-analyze.

I just suddenly realize I hate my life, and I’ve known it all along. I hate living with my grandma. I hate my 45 minute each way commute. I hate not having friends that I share many interests with, I hate basically losing my best friend to Allen. I’ve tried to be patient, but I’m sick of this. I mean, Christen deserves the most sugar-coating, eggshell-walking, and blog self-censoring of anyone I know, and I’m afraid of writing anything because it will start the first volley in some ridiculous MySpace war.

I martyr myself too much, and I rarely stick up for myself. So I’m sticking up for myself. Fuck this life. I’m going to do something after I gradate…I dunno, move to another city, something. I’m just so sick of True Love and El Camino and Arden Fair. I feel I’m imprisoned in routine. I have such wanderlust. I’m going to go somewhere when I get my tax return. I don’t care where. Just somewhere far, far away.

Maybe that’s why I talk to Paris Guy so much. He’s my proof that something else exists, some way out of this horrible existence.

On an unrelated note, I’m so fucking sick of all my music.

Any recommendations, guys?