The ONLY thing I want to talk about in this post is that I. Fucking. Love. New. Young. Pony. Club.

That is all.

So I had a really fun weekend.

I denied myself all worldly pleasures Friday and Saturday, just doing homework nonstop.

But at about midnight on Saturday, I had reached an impasse. There was no point in going on, because I just could not get this new method of manipulating rational equations.

I had been instant messaging Chris from Davis for a while, and he was going to this thing called Club 241 where they have some avant-garde techno stuff, and it seemed rather interesting, so at midnight I got ready and left. I made record time downtown…26 minutes! Unfortunately, no one was there. Chris was there, and we talked outside for a while but they were just about ready to shut the place down. When we went inside, they were playing some cool music for the last 10 minutes or so… Donna Summer and some Italo disco tracks, on which Chris is the ultimate expert.

The place was winding down, but he did say that Silk (a club in Del Paso Heights) was having some kind of electronic music thing, so we decided to drive down and check it out. It was actually really fun… it was a very straight centric kind of place, although there were a few of our kind mixed in. They played a few songs that I knew, and we made terrible jokes about 9/11. Chris knew like every sample… it was crazy.

About 2:30 we decided to head out, and I drove home.

Today was the day of the wedding. I got up, jogged down to the corner store and got a new toothbrush, made breakfast, and got ready for the wedding.

At the last minute, I realized I had absolutely no formal shoes, so Zero agreed to lend me some. I was wearing my Express slacks (which, uh, barely fit…although I’m jogging like every other day now…go figure) and a lint-attracting black silkish shirt. The wedding was really fun, it turns out I had actually met the groom before at a party, and there were a bunch of zero’s friends that I had already made their acquaintance.

The wedding had this awesome Willy Wonka meets Mary Poppins kind of feel. Mari dressed up as Willy Wonka (with a little bit of Charles Dickens thrown in) and gave this little speech at the beginning of the wedding. This other girl who looked so much like Kate from my high school had this awesome corset and would have fit right in in any steampunk situation.

The whole night Zero was wearing my kilt and blazer…and tie, and he got all bunch of credit for it. I really do need some dress shoes. There was this Scottish thing going on and all of the best man people were in kilts, which looked oddly hot.

There was this one guy there, I don’t know what it was about him, but he graduated into the “I…will…suck your dick right now if you ask me…” category. I wish there was some kind of international signal for that which carried no social stigma. *gestuculating* *bathroom…now….sir*

So there were hors d’oeuvres, dancing, vows, the whole 9 yards. It was held in the library downtown, which was actually a really nice venue. I had a lot of fun. I had been texting Andrew through the night, and we had kinda sorta maybe planned to hang out that night, but since the wedding ended at about 9 p.m. that made it rather doable.

So I headed down to where he was at around 20th and we walked down to the Alhambra Safeway… and then ended up at the Safeway on N street… and then ended up on this parking garage near Naked Lounge with an amazing view of the city. We were talking about zombies and trash TV… I think this is the least awkward meeting that we’ve had so far. I don’t know what it is… but I had this meta-moment of “wow, we’ve been talking for hours…we must have a lot in common…”

When we were younger I was so awed by the idea of a First Love that I never really got to know him.

It was a really nice night to walk around, and when I was to depart we hugged and he told me that he really liked seeing me, and I said the same. We were both in this odd coy mode…I could see it in his face. I was in it too…it’s just been, well, a while to just be around someone that I bounced ideas off so well that it became effortless.

We hugged, and I scootered away. So I get to the Fair Oaks Bridge, and there are those “do not cross” things that are kind of like sandwich signs, three in each lane. So I flipped up my visor and looked over at the next car. It was this cute girl in a white Lexus and we kind of had this “are we on candid camera?” moment. “I’m…uh…going to move one… is that cool?” She smiled. “Please? It would be great.” I went up to one of them and looked behind me, a few more cars had shown up. “Is that a cop?” I asked. “It’s totally OK…I’ll cover you,” she replied. So I moved one of the things out of the way so she could get through. “This is probably terribly illegal… what if the bridge is out?” I joked. “I’ll go first and lead the way,” she laughed. And with that, we both went across the bridge, and went on towards home.

After we went across the thing and were waiting at the next light, I flipped up my visor and was all “We made it!” and we had a little cheer.

It was just a really awesome stranger experience. Usually all my stranger experiences suck, but that girl totally renewed my faith in humanity.

So earlier that day, there had been this huge, and I mean HUGE traffic jam at Arden. I mean, like, 10 times bigger than the usual traffic jam there. One of the high tension power lines that goes through that area came down and they had this huge crane holding it up and cars going every which way. It was an incredible sight to behold…I wish I’d taken pictures, but all the stop lights weren’t working and it was every man for himself.

I don’t know…hanging out with Zero is really weird. I mean, I enjoy hanging out with him…but we’re in this really fucking weird time where we should be hanging out less and less since we’re not dating. I need a period of not talking to him if we’re really going to be friends. I have this uncomfortable feeling that he still wants to be with me. It’s just weird…like, he’ll be over at my house, and if we were dating I’d be like “oh, let’s have sex” but I’m like “okay…let’s watch Star Trek?” It’s just really fucking weird…it’s this zombie of a relationship that wasn’t a relationship to begin with, but became self-aware, passed a Turing test, and yeah.

I just need to hang out with Zero much much less over the coming weeks. We were already doing the thing where we start to copy each other’s mannerisms. And this has to be taking a toll on him too…I’m just sick of feeling vaguely uncomfortable around him. The relationship thing needs to die. He needs to start dating. Fucking Mario doesn’t count, ’cause Mario is…as Sam put it…not a person.

It’s weird, Sam called me right as I was editing the bit about wanting to fuck that guy…we’re on the same wavelength. The cock wavelength?

I often wonder how my days would be if Sam was here. We’d be going to the Bolt, living like decadent bitches. I wonder if I’d get any homework done. Probably not. I didn’t finish my goal of getting chapter five done, but maybe I can work on it tomorrow morning.

I hellza miss Sam.

Small sidenote, Brian bailed on us with the Goldfrapp thing. Turns out April 26th is Johnny’s birthday.

And Johnny can’t just celebrate it another day or celebrate it until 5 p.m. when we’d be leaving. Johnny told him he’d break up with him if he didn’t stay with him every single hour of his birthday.

Which gave me this AMAZING flashback.

Remember when Adrian threatened to break up with me if I went to see Massive Attack? Oh, memories. The Cingular store we had all those arguments around is gone even. Crazy shit.

Adrian sent me an e-mail last week… it’s always when I write posts that are maudlin and soul-searching that I get e-mail responses from him or Matthew Keys…it’s really eerie how similar they are. I never get a comment on like a post about a great party or fun walk around Capitol Park… it’s always Kick Antoine when he’s Down time.

Which I expect and appreciate, but still. Adrian, I’m not pining for you. I’m pining for someone a bit like you who’s not a manipulative attention whore pill-popping egomaniac with an entitlement complex.

Enough adjectives in that sentence for you? Thought so.

Aaaaaanyway, it’s time for me to hit the hay.

And I’m sorry for being angry with you Patrick, I <3. Eeeeven though you’re fucking someone that’s not me, and that’s kind of hard for me to swallow, still and will always <3 you.

My blog is now running the latest and greatest, Wordpress 2.5.

The admin interface is awesome! It was worth the wait. There are supposed to be a bunch of new features, I guess I’ll discover them as I go along.

This is what happens when I’m bored and have access to Google Docs.

Today was strange.

I wore my brand-new contacts today. Work was stressful, and the drive home was a race to escape the rain.

Tonight I’m listening to the second disc of Tosca’s delhi9, which consists of instrumental piano songs. It’s very good.

I got home and worked on my homework for a while. I managed to put a pretty big dent in it, but there’s a whole bunch more left to go.

I felt this restless ennui take hold of me today… it was one of those times where you realize that you have to go home but don’t really have any reason to so you have to try your hardest escape the urge to just stand around wherever you are and do nothing.

I guess I was being unfair about Andrew. I had mentioned him to Katie and Monday and they had nothing good to say about him. I don’t know. I’m feeling really hurt.

Patrick called me today and now I know why he’s been ignoring me. He’s been dating Scott or Sean or whatever the hell his name is… the guy that left to go to Japan…he’s back now. And he’s changed.

I had just remembered after talking so much about wanting me to visit him and so I was going to see if when I went to see my mom I could arrange a two or three day layover in Oklahoma for us to see each other.

Well, you know, whatever.

I know I’m a dramatic bitch, but I feel betrayed. I know it’s not Patrick’s fault and he’s a great guy and everything, it’s just rejection sucks.

Patrick was my last bastion of a friend that wasn’t in a relationship… and now I realize that Taylor is like the only person I feel like I can relate to that isn’t in a relationship.

I feel it 2008 is kind of this year that I’m waiting for the end of.

He sought reflected in all of my Internet surfing tonight. I was researching Sprint’s WiMAX network (they are branding it “XOHM” with some obscure pronunciation), which won’t even start in their three target cities until the spring. Wait…isn’t it officially spring? Somebody needs to update the copy on their site.

December I will have my long-awaited AA degree. Phones that use Android or should debut sometime this year as well… including the 3G 32 GB iPhone that I said I would buy if it existed. The new blackberries are really impressive… apparently the processor for the 9000 series is twice the speed of the one for the Blackberry Curve, the smartphone that I was going to get. It’s unclear when the 9000 series will ship, though.

I just feel like the technology industry is in this kind of stupor. Well, I’m working to increase open-source software adoption at my job, we now use Thunderbird (from Mozilla) for e-mail. And the site that I built them is based entirely on open source.

I kept looking forward to the new version of Wordpress, the blog software that powers this site, but the release was pushed from the 7th of this month to some other time…they’re in RC2 at this point…but I realize that there really isn’t anything new about it. I mean, the administration interface will be all different but you guys won’t see that so they’re really won’t be much change.

I wanted to change my blog theme, but all of the ones I came up with I didn’t get a very good response from and they didn’t really resonate with me quite well enough for me to go through the hassle of coding them up.

I’m getting some encouraging traffic numbers at my job, but the total amount of unique visitors just seems to hang at the same number and I’ve done all I can with SEO. I think what really needs to happen is we need to create an online-only feature.

I don’t know… I see online advertising everywhere I never click on any of the ads. I don’t understand how these kind of ads are supposed to pay for the Internet. I mean, I guess advertising has more of an effect than just click value but still.

I fell out of love with Andrew for like two days, but I can’t help but think of him favorably. I guess love is a rather strong word… let’s go with favor. Approval rating? Mission accomplished?

I’ve been hesitant to ask him to do stuff ever since we have a conversation about and wanting to take our friendship or whatever else slow… which I’m totally on the same page. I haven’t been single for…a long time and I’m not about to throw that away instantly for tearful memories of a high school romance.

Here, I can be sober and reflective….pensive and ambivalent.

I was never able to throw away the painting I did of us.

I guess mentally I’m just waiting until I can hold him (or anyone that gives me the butterflies) again…and also waiting for a time when that wouldn’t be weird. Months, years…maybe it wouldn’t happen…but if it doesn’t, then it doesn’t.

I still really hurt after the hold Patrick saying that he really wanted to ask them out for coffee but that just wasn’t the right thing because what I was subconsciously wanting was somebody to drown my sorrows in. I’m thinking that if I stay single I’ll be able to sort out that restless ennui that I so often experience when it’s overcast.

I’m pretty sure it’s psychosomatic, but my moods are so totally influenced by the weather. Summer is this wonderful, sunlit world of warmth, smells, sensation, love… I feel like I’m in a movie.

Speaking of movies, I thought this was funny. Chris from Davis sent this to me. I heart Chris. I like listening to his diatribes, having him invite me to concerts…he’s an odd egg, but I enjoy his candid-ness. Candidacy? God, I hope that’s not the Latin root of “candidacy.” Ick.

I’m feeling rather unhappy with my life at the moment. I’ve been roped in to going to this wedding… which won’t be terrible, I just need to finish my homework tomorrow and then focus on enjoying myself for the rest of the weekend. But still. Considering the last party situation fiesta gathering thing involved me getting drunk and fondled…I’m not really enjoying the idea of spending quality time with Zero.

I definitely have learned my lesson. Don’t drink in his presence.

It’s sleep time.

I’m just suffering from a cuddle famine. One that doesn’t seem to be ending any time soon.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking this week. Well, a lot of listening to “Lights and Music” and feeling nostalgic.

I wanted to believe that I could be in love with Andrew again…but the moment that most drew me when I’d try at nostalgia was my first night with Adrian.

I can totally convince myself that nothing exists between Andrew and I, and then I think of meeting him. Every time he drives up when we meet it’s this rush of butterflies and I become this coy sycophant.

We actually talked on the phone a few days ago, and he was really hesitant about seeing me or being around me. And really, I couldn’t quite bring myself to care. Yes, I do enjoy hanging out with him, but it’s been what? Three years? What’s another week or two.

I had suspected the reason that we never went over to his house was because he lived with the girlfriend, but he confirmed it on the phone.

As Sam says, I usually operate from a position of unadulterated apathy, and here is no different.

I guess the thing is that I have a really strong emotional attachment, but even though he’s smokin’ hot…I just couldn’t bring myself to have sex with him.

I mean, after all…he fucked half the girls at Kelly’s high school.

It seems bad to say, but fuck bisexual guys. I know that I’m supposed to believe in sexuality in degrees…the Kinsey scale and all that…but Jesus Christ, being with a girl for three years kind of tips the scales into the straight column.

I watched an incredibly romantic movie tonight (Paris, Je T’Amie) the movie Terry and I were supposed to see on our first date… in the past has seemed like I had to find excuses or reasons not to be in a relationship and now it seems like I’m grasping at straws to find a reason to be in one.

I’m at this point my life where I realize that I don’t think that I could ever really be in a monogamous relationship ever again. I mean, I’m totally committed to the idea of having a number one person that you have sex with 99% of the time, but let’s face it. Telling me I can’t do something is pretty much the best way to get me to do it.

I feel like I’m perpetually stuck in this eighth-grade mentality. I want someone to sleep next to, I feel like at this point I deserve that. But this is the price I pay for free rent.

I’m trying to carve out a place for myself at my job so that I could make a lot more money and afford to live on my own when I go to Sacramento State.

I guess I just have to face facts. I’m only attracted to crazy guys in suits.

I wish Patrick lived here. I’m sure we’d have epic fights, but I think I could fall in love with him.

I wish I could have changed the dealbreaker aspects about Adrian’s personality.

I guess I’ve learned a lot in these last few months. Things about friendship…it’s not forever. Many of the people you love will grow to hate you.

I’m not even sure about what the nature of friendship that is. I mean, I had a lot of fun with Susan and zero last night, we went to the 24-hour Wal-Mart and caused havoc.

I love Susan, but I feel like every new friendship… every new everything now has this seed of doubt. I wait for the moment when I will call up all of my friends and they won’t like me anymore.

Or, more frightening, the day that they will change.

I mean, I woke up one day and Christen was someone I didn’t even recognize. I guess I just want some kind of continuity… someone to turn to and say “that’s beautiful” or to smile knowingly at my vague Jean-Paul Sartre references.

I know this person does not exist, but it is fun to think about.

I just remember is one thing. I don’t know when it was… but I remember I was in Adrian’s dining room and his mother had taken out this decoration or you light a candle and the heat would make these angels fly around the base. He was making me something to eat, like he always did, and I remember staring at the little angels watching as they moved around, slowly at first, then faster and faster. I remember feeling completely at peace.

I think I took a video of it later to remind myself of that moment.

I want to live on my own, have my own apartment, discover what it’s like to live the way I want to.

I really don’t know where I’m going with this post. I meant to say something definitive about Andrew, but I couldn’t really a come up with it. Are the butterflies in your stomach enough to base a relationship on? I think not.

Am I even ready for one right now. Let’s go with “no.”

It’s 12:23.

I should go to sleep. But wait, my FAVORITE CD EVER!

I can’t wait until the summer. I am in love with Manhattan. I miss my mom.

I miss feeling like I have family, like I belong. Like I have a history.

Except for that I’m in the closet to pretty much everybody. I don’t know. If it wasn’t for my mom, I would feel totally alone in this world.

She’s my reason against pretty much every destructive behavior I can think of. I like my life, but I hate living with my grandma.

Her dimentia just gets worse and worse…things that should be refrigerated or frozen are scattered around the cupboards and I have to repatriate them…she keeps unplugging all the appliances…asking me if I’ve found enough to eat when I buy 90% of the food for the house…it’s terrifying.

I just wish I could have a week to myself where I could have friends over and feel like this is my home.

But it’s not.

I’m just sick of living in the future.

Someday I’ll have an apartment of my own, someday I won’t be living with family, someday I’ll be able to have boys over.

And I’ll be 23 this year.

Fucking ridiculous.

So…no answers tonight, apparently. Just more of the same.

I’m okay with that.

Sam just called me! He even posted a new post!

Awesome. I miss Sam. And our degenerate bitch adventures.

Also, when buying the Goldfrapp tickets, I got the best CAPCHA ever.