Christen, I really don’t know what I said to make you so angry.
You’re right, you are your own person and I have no say in your decisions. I never asserted any less.
The thing that I’m not really okay with is not that you don’t have time for a social life, it’s that you don’t have time for a non-HorseCow social life.
I know you’re bristling with idealism about turning HorseCow into a world-class art community, but you have to understand that those outside the fold have a very different opinion of what goes on there.
When we went to IKEA you were telling me that a good portion of the time you were unsatisfied with your relationship with Allen, and that you were overwhelmed by moving in with him.
And now everything’s peachy keen?
No, you don’t need my criticisms, but I’m not Becky. When you tell me that you are unhappy 20% of the time, and pretty much drop off the face of the earth, I feel like it’s my responsibility to put out feelers and see how you are.
And when I did, I realized how desperately I missed you…the Christen that used to talk about Sylvia Plath and Depeche Mode, the Christen that would call me at midnight ’cause there were helicopters over your house, the Christen that would encourage our “bad” ideas (like bringing flowers to our exes at midnight).
I have to accept that a lot of the things we used to do, we won’t do, because you have a boyfriend.
A lot of my anger and bitterness was the fact that things won’t ever be like they used to be…hanging out at Kelly’s house…all of our escapades, every time I think about it this montage happens…and I think of Coachella and that time we hung out with Alex…introducing you to all my boyfriends…
great, I’m crying now…which makes this ten times more emo than I’m trying to make it
but Christen, I love you and miss you terribly, and it hurts when you don’t have time for me.
I don’t ask for much…it could be as much as a coffee date a month, but I feel like you don’t have any perspective on what it’s like to exist outside of the influence of HorseCow.
I’m just really disappointed that Allen has some kind of a problem with me. I never thought you’d date someone that…well…I can’t say he doesn’t like me, I don’t know what’s going on in that area. I always pictured you dating someone like Chris, someone that I could hang out with too.
I feel like you’re not dating Allen, you’re dating HorseCow. And I can’t compete with that.
I knew you were going through some really tough times, and I felt like I gave you a lot of space.
And now I feel like you’ve come to the castle beyond the goblin city, and I’m not beside you. When we were going to AR, I felt like we were on a similar path in life, and now I’m graduating this year, and it’s nothing like we could have imagined.
I guess the dream of our cute little apartment downtown had to die sometime…and the kind of love you feel for a friend can never be enough.
Intellectually, I’m very happy for you. You have a great job, a satisfying relationship, and rewarding hobbies. Yet, emotionally, I’ve lost a big part of my best friend, which makes me bitter. We’re both Scorpios, and my big failing is being jealous and possessive.
I thought that after you got back on your feet with your finances and your mother was well, we would skip off into the wild blue yonder. But that didn’t happen…and therein lies the problem of living a life based on foma.
I used to have this sort of two against the world mentality with you and I, but I have to accept that you don’t have the kind of time that you used to have for me, and to look at our friendship in a different way.
Maybe we won’t have our cute downtown apartment, and maybe we won’t hang out as much, but I love you and miss you and nothing can ever change that.
Categories: Ennui