I’ve been doing a lot of thinking this week. Well, a lot of listening to “Lights and Music” and feeling nostalgic.

I wanted to believe that I could be in love with Andrew again…but the moment that most drew me when I’d try at nostalgia was my first night with Adrian.

I can totally convince myself that nothing exists between Andrew and I, and then I think of meeting him. Every time he drives up when we meet it’s this rush of butterflies and I become this coy sycophant.

We actually talked on the phone a few days ago, and he was really hesitant about seeing me or being around me. And really, I couldn’t quite bring myself to care. Yes, I do enjoy hanging out with him, but it’s been what? Three years? What’s another week or two.

I had suspected the reason that we never went over to his house was because he lived with the girlfriend, but he confirmed it on the phone.

As Sam says, I usually operate from a position of unadulterated apathy, and here is no different.

I guess the thing is that I have a really strong emotional attachment, but even though he’s smokin’ hot…I just couldn’t bring myself to have sex with him.

I mean, after all…he fucked half the girls at Kelly’s high school.

It seems bad to say, but fuck bisexual guys. I know that I’m supposed to believe in sexuality in degrees…the Kinsey scale and all that…but Jesus Christ, being with a girl for three years kind of tips the scales into the straight column.

I watched an incredibly romantic movie tonight (Paris, Je T’Amie) the movie Terry and I were supposed to see on our first date… in the past has seemed like I had to find excuses or reasons not to be in a relationship and now it seems like I’m grasping at straws to find a reason to be in one.

I’m at this point my life where I realize that I don’t think that I could ever really be in a monogamous relationship ever again. I mean, I’m totally committed to the idea of having a number one person that you have sex with 99% of the time, but let’s face it. Telling me I can’t do something is pretty much the best way to get me to do it.

I feel like I’m perpetually stuck in this eighth-grade mentality. I want someone to sleep next to, I feel like at this point I deserve that. But this is the price I pay for free rent.

I’m trying to carve out a place for myself at my job so that I could make a lot more money and afford to live on my own when I go to Sacramento State.

I guess I just have to face facts. I’m only attracted to crazy guys in suits.

I wish Patrick lived here. I’m sure we’d have epic fights, but I think I could fall in love with him.

I wish I could have changed the dealbreaker aspects about Adrian’s personality.

I guess I’ve learned a lot in these last few months. Things about friendship…it’s not forever. Many of the people you love will grow to hate you.

I’m not even sure about what the nature of friendship that is. I mean, I had a lot of fun with Susan and zero last night, we went to the 24-hour Wal-Mart and caused havoc.

I love Susan, but I feel like every new friendship… every new everything now has this seed of doubt. I wait for the moment when I will call up all of my friends and they won’t like me anymore.

Or, more frightening, the day that they will change.

I mean, I woke up one day and Christen was someone I didn’t even recognize. I guess I just want some kind of continuity… someone to turn to and say “that’s beautiful” or to smile knowingly at my vague Jean-Paul Sartre references.

I know this person does not exist, but it is fun to think about.

I just remember is one thing. I don’t know when it was… but I remember I was in Adrian’s dining room and his mother had taken out this decoration or you light a candle and the heat would make these angels fly around the base. He was making me something to eat, like he always did, and I remember staring at the little angels watching as they moved around, slowly at first, then faster and faster. I remember feeling completely at peace.

I think I took a video of it later to remind myself of that moment.

I want to live on my own, have my own apartment, discover what it’s like to live the way I want to.

I really don’t know where I’m going with this post. I meant to say something definitive about Andrew, but I couldn’t really a come up with it. Are the butterflies in your stomach enough to base a relationship on? I think not.

Am I even ready for one right now. Let’s go with “no.”

It’s 12:23.

I should go to sleep. But wait, my FAVORITE CD EVER!

I can’t wait until the summer. I am in love with Manhattan. I miss my mom.

I miss feeling like I have family, like I belong. Like I have a history.

Except for that I’m in the closet to pretty much everybody. I don’t know. If it wasn’t for my mom, I would feel totally alone in this world.

She’s my reason against pretty much every destructive behavior I can think of. I like my life, but I hate living with my grandma.

Her dimentia just gets worse and worse…things that should be refrigerated or frozen are scattered around the cupboards and I have to repatriate them…she keeps unplugging all the appliances…asking me if I’ve found enough to eat when I buy 90% of the food for the house…it’s terrifying.

I just wish I could have a week to myself where I could have friends over and feel like this is my home.

But it’s not.

I’m just sick of living in the future.

Someday I’ll have an apartment of my own, someday I won’t be living with family, someday I’ll be able to have boys over.

And I’ll be 23 this year.

Fucking ridiculous.

So…no answers tonight, apparently. Just more of the same.

I’m okay with that.

Sam just called me! He even posted a new post!

Awesome. I miss Sam. And our degenerate bitch adventures.

Also, when buying the Goldfrapp tickets, I got the best CAPCHA ever.