The Diary of Antoine Roquentin

This is what happens when I’m bored and have access to Google Docs.

Today was strange.

I wore my brand-new contacts today. Work was stressful, and the drive home was a race to escape the rain.

Tonight I’m listening to the second disc of Tosca‘s delhi9, which consists of instrumental piano songs. It’s very good.

I got home and worked on my homework for a while. I managed to put a pretty big dent in it, but there’s a whole bunch more left to go.

I felt this restless ennui take hold of me today… it was one of those times where you realize that you have to go home but don’t really have any reason to so you have to try your hardest escape the urge to just stand around wherever you are and do nothing.

I guess I was being unfair about Andrew. I had mentioned him to Katie and Monday and they had nothing good to say about him. I don’t know. I’m feeling really hurt.

Patrick called me today and now I know why he’s been ignoring me. He’s been dating Scott or Sean or whatever the hell his name is… the guy that left to go to Japan…he’s back now. And he’s changed.

I had just remembered after talking so much about wanting me to visit him and so I was going to see if when I went to see my mom I could arrange a two or three day layover in Oklahoma for us to see each other.

Well, you know, whatever.

I know I’m a dramatic bitch, but I feel betrayed. I know it’s not Patrick’s fault and he’s a great guy and everything, it’s just rejection sucks.

Patrick was my last bastion of a friend that wasn’t in a relationship… and now I realize that Taylor is like the only person I feel like I can relate to that isn’t in a relationship.

I feel it 2008 is kind of this year that I’m waiting for the end of.

He sought reflected in all of my Internet surfing tonight. I was researching Sprint’s WiMAX network (they are branding it “XOHM” with some obscure pronunciation), which won’t even start in their three target cities until the spring. Wait…isn’t it officially spring? Somebody needs to update the copy on their site.

December I will have my long-awaited AA degree. Phones that use Android or should debut sometime this year as well… including the 3G 32 GB iPhone that I said I would buy if it existed. The new blackberries are really impressive… apparently the processor for the 9000 series is twice the speed of the one for the Blackberry Curve, the smartphone that I was going to get. It’s unclear when the 9000 series will ship, though.

I just feel like the technology industry is in this kind of stupor. Well, I’m working to increase open-source software adoption at my job, we now use Thunderbird (from Mozilla) for e-mail. And the site that I built them is based entirely on open source.

I kept looking forward to the new version of WordPress, the blog software that powers this site, but the release was pushed from the 7th of this month to some other time…they’re in RC2 at this point…but I realize that there really isn’t anything new about it. I mean, the administration interface will be all different but you guys won’t see that so they’re really won’t be much change.

I wanted to change my blog theme, but all of the ones I came up with I didn’t get a very good response from and they didn’t really resonate with me quite well enough for me to go through the hassle of coding them up.

I’m getting some encouraging traffic numbers at my job, but the total amount of unique visitors just seems to hang at the same number and I’ve done all I can with SEO. I think what really needs to happen is we need to create an online-only feature.

I don’t know… I see online advertising everywhere I never click on any of the ads. I don’t understand how these kind of ads are supposed to pay for the Internet. I mean, I guess advertising has more of an effect than just click value but still.

I fell out of love with Andrew for like two days, but I can’t help but think of him favorably. I guess love is a rather strong word… let’s go with favor. Approval rating? Mission accomplished?

I’ve been hesitant to ask him to do stuff ever since we have a conversation about and wanting to take our friendship or whatever else slow… which I’m totally on the same page. I haven’t been single for…a long time and I’m not about to throw that away instantly for tearful memories of a high school romance.

Here, I can be sober and reflective….pensive and ambivalent.

I was never able to throw away the painting I did of us.

I guess mentally I’m just waiting until I can hold him (or anyone that gives me the butterflies) again…and also waiting for a time when that wouldn’t be weird. Months, years…maybe it wouldn’t happen…but if it doesn’t, then it doesn’t.

I still really hurt after the hold Patrick saying that he really wanted to ask them out for coffee but that just wasn’t the right thing because what I was subconsciously wanting was somebody to drown my sorrows in. I’m thinking that if I stay single I’ll be able to sort out that restless ennui that I so often experience when it’s overcast.

I’m pretty sure it’s psychosomatic, but my moods are so totally influenced by the weather. Summer is this wonderful, sunlit world of warmth, smells, sensation, love… I feel like I’m in a movie.

Speaking of movies, I thought this was funny. Chris from Davis sent this to me. I heart Chris. I like listening to his diatribes, having him invite me to concerts…he’s an odd egg, but I enjoy his candid-ness. Candidacy? God, I hope that’s not the Latin root of “candidacy.” Ick.

I’m feeling rather unhappy with my life at the moment. I’ve been roped in to going to this wedding… which won’t be terrible, I just need to finish my homework tomorrow and then focus on enjoying myself for the rest of the weekend. But still. Considering the last party situation fiesta gathering thing involved me getting drunk and fondled…I’m not really enjoying the idea of spending quality time with Zero.

I definitely have learned my lesson. Don’t drink in his presence.

It’s sleep time.

I’m just suffering from a cuddle famine. One that doesn’t seem to be ending any time soon.