The Diary of Antoine Roquentin

Today was okay. Overcast, bland day.

One of my coworkers finally bought a fridge that she has been saying she’s going to buy forever. So I will save a lot of money by keeping sandwich stuff at work.

I upgraded my work site to Wordpress 2.5. It only took an hour or so, including the time I spend backing things up. The actual install only took 10 minutes or so. Worked on adding more photos. It’s a Sisyphean task, but it’s not bad. The articles look really nice when I finish them.

Annie called me right as I was getting off work… she ended up having me recount the entire Christen story, which I shouldn’t have done, but I was in a bad mood. I know Annie is a shit disturber, as my mother puts it. Drove home, started dinner. My dad is visiting… I don’t know how long, but he’s been here about two days.

I was so not in the mood for a family dinner. I deserve an Oscar every time they say grace, every time they talk about Jesus. I find it amusing, my dad and I just talk about politics and Grammie and Orrin just sit there like idiots.

Grammie is getting really bad. She made this pie yesterday that did not look like a pie (it didn’t taste like one either…we had to throw it out). I feel bad for her, but at the same time I just don’t have the patience or the time to take care of someone with dementia after a long day at work/school. Something is going to have to be done in this year at least. She’s at the point where she asks us whether we want something to drink 10-20 times a night.

It’s just like my uncle Pat when he had his dementia (he passed on)… the last time I saw him he asked me like five times whether I wanted a beer or a soda or something. I don’t know how my aunt Anna put up with it for as long as she did. I really hope I get to see her again. Apparently she’s not doing really well… she says that each day is harder than the last. I just can’t wrap my mind around that concept.

It’s such a horrible way of thinking… I mean, a lot of what I do is computer related… I often wonder if I died what would happen to my computer. I’m the only one that knows all my passwords… they’re not written down anywhere. I don’t know… it would be the same if all of my writings were on paper and I kept in a locked drawer or something.

I just look at my grandma deteriorating like this…she barely knows what’s going on… and I want to help her somehow…give her some kind of mind meld transfer that will make her sane (like that was ever possible), but what ‘ev. Every day it’s a reminder of “in 50 years I’ll be like that!”

Ugh.

Good news is, I’m graduating in December. I just have to keep telling myself that.

December december december.

I had this moment today where I was waiting at a stop light (on my commute today I got like every single stoplight) at Fulton and El Camino… and I just looked around and realized I was sick of everything, but there was no solution to this revulsion. I wonder… is there no way to escape? Will I just be taking the path of least resistance forever?

I’ve been waiting for my real life start ever since I began this blog the week I graduated high school.

And it hasn’t happened yet.

All I have is a scrapbook full of dull, grayscale memories.

I can’t even open iPhoto… it’s a guidebook to a world that doesn’t exist anymore. And I’m not quite okay with that.

I need to start looking forward to my vacation more than looking forward to graduating.

Meh. I’m going to watch the original Dawn of the Dead. Sam recommended it.

It is odd that he is my barometer of reality these days.