Today is one of those days where I’m absolutely disgusted to live in this house. When all I want to do is escape somehow.

Turned off my phone and closed my instant messenger app.

I’m sitting in the empty house staring out the sliding glass door in the living room at the backyard. My grandma has been planting flowers… petunias, violets. There are pink roses that are blooming… they all are blooming.

I’m really sick of Zero. We’ve been hanging out like every day this week. I’m sick of everything.

I desperately need to be doing my math homework right now… but I just don’t care. I went out for a jog this afternoon, made it an entire mile without stopping…normally I take a few minutes to cool down and start up again. Wanted to go out for another mile, but my grandma started in with her inane banter. She drains me of all my energy.

Had coffee with Andrew on Friday… it was good seeing him. I don’t know what it was about that day… every time we hang out it’s always this feeling like it’s great to see an old friend… but that awkwardness is still there. And yesterday, all I wanted to do was to push over the table and give him a passionate kiss. It was so melodramatic but I couldn’t get it out of my head.

I’m one of those people that loves the chase, but once I achieve my goal I don’t know what to do. Maybe it’s better this way. It’s just hard to deny the poetry of it all. I think back about how long it took me to get over the whole relationship with him… I’m not even sure now whether I’m over him. I mean, yesterday, I would have done anything he asked me.

Mari and Zero were talking about what sounds were inherently steampunk and clocks ticking was one of them. The clock in the living room keeps ticking over “Corona Radiata,” this ambient track from the new album, and I feel calm.

The past five years have come and gone, and I’m okay.

People I loved didn’t love me as much as I thought they did. Lesson learned. Straight girls will always leave you in the lurch for a man. No matter what you do. I’m okay with this.

I don’t know whether this thing that’s going on with Andrew is good or not. I’m reluctant to cross the Rubicon by trying to escalate things, but most of the time I am still totally taken by him. I don’t know why… I can’t put it into words. It doesn’t make sense. I don’t know whether there’s something there or it’s more unresolved issues.

I just want to be alone today.

Taking a break from being plugged in will be beneficial.

Never mind about the alone time. I just heard the garage door open. My grandma’s back.

I would do anything to escape this house.

The good thing is, I keep getting more and more hours at work. I hope I can get to a point where I can afford to live on my own. With the extra money, I’m making about $700 a month, so I could theoretically afford rent.

I wouldn’t be able to have many of the luxuries I take for granted, but I think it would be worth it.

Just spent about an hour on Craigslist… there are some great places there… but I still don’t know how I burn through $700 a month. According to the Internet, your housing costs shouldn’t exceed 35% of your total income… and if I get a good deal, I could probably find some place for $500 or $400 a month, but that wouldn’t come close to 35%. Thanks to my handy-dandy algebra, the equation I wrote tells me I would need around $1,400 a month to cover my living expenses. :(

The sad thing is I am just starting to live comfortably at my grandma’s (i.e. not ridiculously poor) and I don’t have to pay rent.

Life sucks.

I wanted to go out and do something tonight, but I don’t know what. We were supposed to go to this Earth Festival in Davis, but that was confirmed, canceled, confirmed again, and canceled.

I didn’t want to go downtown because I thought I would run into Zero and I also didn’t want to stalk Andrew.

I’m in one of those moods where I’m trying to deconstruct why I want something.

I watched Primer and The Prestige last night with Zero and Mari, and had these harrowing dreams of a massive steampunk time machine with catwalks and pendulums. It was very cinematic but the dream had little substance. I remember this raccoon that kept staring at me in the dream. The machine had been built in a man-made valley, with sandbags stretching up the ravine from the rectangular bottom of the valley.

The raccoon was staring at me cryptically as it gnawed on something in its too-human hands. From the top of the machine dangled two girders which were hooked onto the center of a five-meter or so catwalk, which had all these people dressed in shabby 1800s period costumes. They were all frozen in time, although it seemed from the way they were dangling that they were going to be thrown off the contraption even though at the moment it couldn’t move.

But the raccooon just kept gnawing and staring at me as I stood near the three-story warehouse-like time machine. It seemed like the beginning of a movie.

Before I fall asleep every night I keep asking myself “why am I living in somebody else’s house?” “Why am I here?”

This place doesn’t feel like home. I’m sick of not living somewhere that I at least pay for.

It’s not like my grandma’s hurting for money or anything, it’s just…I’m fucking sick of this shit.

I need a drastic change in my life. Like, right now. If I had $500 in my bank account I’d be calling up those people with rooms for rent.

My wrists have just been killing me all weekend… as I soak up gossip on the yet-to-be-announced 3G iPhone and 3G BlackBerry 9000.

Neither have been officially confirmed or denied…but they definitely exist. Heck, somebody bought a prerelease version of the Blackberry 9000 on eBay for like $800 and have been thoroughly reviewing it. The thing looks fucking awesome, 3 megapixel camera, 3G, a fully redesigned UI, a solid media player, much faster processor (600MHz!).

But these are the exact luxuries I will be giving up if I were to move out. $500 a month that could be spent on technology.

I just have to pass this last math test and I’m free, I can work MUCH more and buy a big display. I’m going to try and save up $600 to get this amazing 24″ display. I don’t know, I need something to focus on other than the Sisyphean nature of my life right now.

It’s not that I dislike my life at this very moment, I’m just frustrated that I’m not going anywhere. I feel like I’ve been spinning my wheels for five years and nothing’s happened.

I don’t have the kind of independent life I want.

Well, I’m going to watch a dark film about the harsh realities of the French Resistance, Army of Shadows. Maybe that will make everything seem better by comparison.

It’s so damn hot today. I was looking forward to it, but now it feels oppressive. I looked back to the carefree nights Christen and I spent doing fun stuff downtown instead of forward at the bleak reality that I’m confronted with.