So Andrew and I went to see Iron Man today… the movie was really great. I don’t know what it was about today… everything just seemed to be going perfectly.

I went to class, it was our last class of the semester save for the final, which is on the 21st. Got pizza, drove downtown. I ended up driving by Brian’s house (as I always do when going downtown), and he was out mowing the lawn. We talked for a while about bands and such, and Sam showed up. They were going to go to a game store.

I continued on my way, parking at the Downtown Plaza. I picked up something from Macy’s, and the woman struck up a conversation with me about how men her age have all this baggage from divorces and no careers like her, it was really endearing.

After that I went to the Starbucks to read Engadget Mobile and wait for Andrew. The girl that took my order asked me if I worked in the mall… I think that everyone being nice to me was related to my AWESOME dress shoes that I’m obsessed with and these great new slacks I got at Express when Zero and I went there on a lark on Monday.

We had such great fun with Katori on Monday, we went out for sushi and went to this total dive bar with a Playboy pinball machine. Then we went back to her place and watched The Professional. I had totally forgotten its magnitude of awesome.

Tuesday was Lipstick with Zero and Liz, it was great fun and all the regulars were there…they played a song off the new Presets album, Apocalypto (which is great). It’s strange… the album hadn’t been out like five days and they’re already playing it. Another consequence of the Internet age.

So today. I went to see Iron Man with Taggart, and we snuggled a bit while we were watching it. He rested his head on my shoulder, which was cute…I rested mine on his. After the movie, as I was driving home, he ran up behind me at a stop light and grabbed my ass, lol.

And after I got back to Carmichael he had sent me a text, “I remember ur smell.”

Cutest text ever. Anyway, I went back to Brian’s house and we made cucumber sandwiches and watched Family Guy. We had to walk all the way to Raley’s to get the ranch for the sandwiches, so on the way we called one of Brian’s exes, Spencer. I really don’t know what to think of Spencer. In the beginning, I had wanted to fuck him, just ’cause at the time he was kind of the only show in town, but meh. He has BAD skin. I just can’t do bad skin. It revolts me. Almost as much as bad teeth. I’m very much a face person.

I’m not sure quite why, but I just totally despise him. Well, I guess I can think about how I’m graduating in December and he still working at the Barnes & Noble in Natomas and dating his “bear.” *shudder*

Okay, so, it’s kind of happening again. I want to make out with Andrew. And my mind is counting down the weeks until it happens. I’m used to riding on clouds of anticipation, and if, as they say, waiting feeds desire…then yeah, I want to cuddle with him. It’s odd…normally I really want to fuck people I’m into, but since, well, for one we’ve already done that, I mostly want to cuddle with him and make out…I haven’t done that with someone I don’t despise in…Jesus, a long fucking time. Not that I don’t want to have sex, but that awesomeness is just too far-fetched for my subconscious to compute.

Brian has been meeting a bunch of guys on okcupid… since there are so few matches in this area we’re keeping our or own secret files on who looks like good friend material. He’s actually talking to this one that messaged me awhile ago but I decided to ignore him because his pictures looked… well… let’s just go with subpar and his personality wasn’t much to write home about either. But Brian has been talking with this guy that is really cute, I guess they’re going to hang out tomorrow. I love meeting new people off the Interwebs and going driving with them (not like that…Jesus), I hope Brian has fun with the guy.

We need a bigger circle of friends…nothing’s going on and we have nothing to talk about.

I have this huge desire to paint at this moment, but my wrists are KILLING me and my best brushes are saturated with oils and you’re not supposed to mix them with acrylics. I’m hitting Utrecht tomorrow, I have a new insight on my big painting.

Well, it’s time for me to sleep. I’ve been getting to work much earlier than usual, and a bunch of projects I’m working on are maturing. I wish I could discuss it in depth, but it’s sleep time.

Today is one of those days where I’m absolutely disgusted to live in this house. When all I want to do is escape somehow.

Turned off my phone and closed my instant messenger app.

I’m sitting in the empty house staring out the sliding glass door in the living room at the backyard. My grandma has been planting flowers… petunias, violets. There are pink roses that are blooming… they all are blooming.

I’m really sick of Zero. We’ve been hanging out like every day this week. I’m sick of everything.

I desperately need to be doing my math homework right now… but I just don’t care. I went out for a jog this afternoon, made it an entire mile without stopping…normally I take a few minutes to cool down and start up again. Wanted to go out for another mile, but my grandma started in with her inane banter. She drains me of all my energy.

Had coffee with Andrew on Friday… it was good seeing him. I don’t know what it was about that day… every time we hang out it’s always this feeling like it’s great to see an old friend… but that awkwardness is still there. And yesterday, all I wanted to do was to push over the table and give him a passionate kiss. It was so melodramatic but I couldn’t get it out of my head.

I’m one of those people that loves the chase, but once I achieve my goal I don’t know what to do. Maybe it’s better this way. It’s just hard to deny the poetry of it all. I think back about how long it took me to get over the whole relationship with him… I’m not even sure now whether I’m over him. I mean, yesterday, I would have done anything he asked me.

Mari and Zero were talking about what sounds were inherently steampunk and clocks ticking was one of them. The clock in the living room keeps ticking over “Corona Radiata,” this ambient track from the new album, and I feel calm.

The past five years have come and gone, and I’m okay.

People I loved didn’t love me as much as I thought they did. Lesson learned. Straight girls will always leave you in the lurch for a man. No matter what you do. I’m okay with this.

I don’t know whether this thing that’s going on with Andrew is good or not. I’m reluctant to cross the Rubicon by trying to escalate things, but most of the time I am still totally taken by him. I don’t know why… I can’t put it into words. It doesn’t make sense. I don’t know whether there’s something there or it’s more unresolved issues.

I just want to be alone today.

Taking a break from being plugged in will be beneficial.

Never mind about the alone time. I just heard the garage door open. My grandma’s back.

I would do anything to escape this house.

The good thing is, I keep getting more and more hours at work. I hope I can get to a point where I can afford to live on my own. With the extra money, I’m making about $700 a month, so I could theoretically afford rent.

I wouldn’t be able to have many of the luxuries I take for granted, but I think it would be worth it.

Just spent about an hour on Craigslist… there are some great places there… but I still don’t know how I burn through $700 a month. According to the Internet, your housing costs shouldn’t exceed 35% of your total income… and if I get a good deal, I could probably find some place for $500 or $400 a month, but that wouldn’t come close to 35%. Thanks to my handy-dandy algebra, the equation I wrote tells me I would need around $1,400 a month to cover my living expenses. :(

The sad thing is I am just starting to live comfortably at my grandma’s (i.e. not ridiculously poor) and I don’t have to pay rent.

Life sucks.

I wanted to go out and do something tonight, but I don’t know what. We were supposed to go to this Earth Festival in Davis, but that was confirmed, canceled, confirmed again, and canceled.

I didn’t want to go downtown because I thought I would run into Zero and I also didn’t want to stalk Andrew.

I’m in one of those moods where I’m trying to deconstruct why I want something.

I watched Primer and The Prestige last night with Zero and Mari, and had these harrowing dreams of a massive steampunk time machine with catwalks and pendulums. It was very cinematic but the dream had little substance. I remember this raccoon that kept staring at me in the dream. The machine had been built in a man-made valley, with sandbags stretching up the ravine from the rectangular bottom of the valley.

The raccoon was staring at me cryptically as it gnawed on something in its too-human hands. From the top of the machine dangled two girders which were hooked onto the center of a five-meter or so catwalk, which had all these people dressed in shabby 1800s period costumes. They were all frozen in time, although it seemed from the way they were dangling that they were going to be thrown off the contraption even though at the moment it couldn’t move.

But the raccooon just kept gnawing and staring at me as I stood near the three-story warehouse-like time machine. It seemed like the beginning of a movie.

Before I fall asleep every night I keep asking myself “why am I living in somebody else’s house?” “Why am I here?”

This place doesn’t feel like home. I’m sick of not living somewhere that I at least pay for.

It’s not like my grandma’s hurting for money or anything, it’s just…I’m fucking sick of this shit.

I need a drastic change in my life. Like, right now. If I had $500 in my bank account I’d be calling up those people with rooms for rent.

My wrists have just been killing me all weekend… as I soak up gossip on the yet-to-be-announced 3G iPhone and 3G BlackBerry 9000.

Neither have been officially confirmed or denied…but they definitely exist. Heck, somebody bought a prerelease version of the Blackberry 9000 on eBay for like $800 and have been thoroughly reviewing it. The thing looks fucking awesome, 3 megapixel camera, 3G, a fully redesigned UI, a solid media player, much faster processor (600MHz!).

But these are the exact luxuries I will be giving up if I were to move out. $500 a month that could be spent on technology.

I just have to pass this last math test and I’m free, I can work MUCH more and buy a big display. I’m going to try and save up $600 to get this amazing 24″ display. I don’t know, I need something to focus on other than the Sisyphean nature of my life right now.

It’s not that I dislike my life at this very moment, I’m just frustrated that I’m not going anywhere. I feel like I’ve been spinning my wheels for five years and nothing’s happened.

I don’t have the kind of independent life I want.

Well, I’m going to watch a dark film about the harsh realities of the French Resistance, Army of Shadows. Maybe that will make everything seem better by comparison.

It’s so damn hot today. I was looking forward to it, but now it feels oppressive. I looked back to the carefree nights Christen and I spent doing fun stuff downtown instead of forward at the bleak reality that I’m confronted with.

I found such a cute and apropos song today…I got two free iTunes downloads from buying our Dresden Dolls tickets.

Andrew and I are meeting for coffee today, but before that I have to go and get a coat rack…my jackets are all on the floor and I need somewhere in my room to put my motorcycle jacket…it’s huge and heavy.

Just spent $80 on those Dolls tickets so I feel really poor today, but it will totally be worth it. I never used to regret spending money on tickets before, but after the Goldfrapp clusterfuck, I’m kind of hesitant. I’m sure it will be amazing though… I can’t think of a song that Amanda could play that I wouldn’t like.

I need to come up with a really great outfit to go in.

Brian and I had a fun night last night… I didn’t really feel like driving to this party downtown (I’m sure it would have been loads of fun but I wouldn’t have gotten back until like 6 AM, I’m sure). So we got 40s and drank them in Brian’s dad’s car while watching Storytelling on my MacBook.

After that, we stalked people on myspace (mostly Scott’s profile). know what it is about him… I think he could possibly be one of the most vile, utterly unredeemable people in existence… yet his obsession with superficiality and his verbose justification of it astounds me.

I don’t know if I wrote about this… but Tuesday when we went to Lipstick with Liz I ran into a bunch of people, the Chris guy, Annie’s Scott, the Anchor Girl (I see her everywhere), and, of course, Arden Fair Scott. The Scott that used to work in the Eddie Bauer across from Christen’s Brookstone. The one we were like obsessed with until we found his profile and discovered that he was an egomaniac.

So I ignored him all night, we just danced and had a good time (the DJ was teh suck that night), and as I was closing out my bar tab, he came up and said hi. We exchanged cards (his had all the graphic design impact of a toilet seat.

I really had no intention of talking to him and was surprised when he approached me.

Actually, the thing I’m most surprised about today is that Alex responded to an e-mail I sent him a week or so ago. I still can’t decide whether I despise him or whether I’m just envious of his opulent lifestyle.

Every time I say I hate something I think of all the people who I hear saying they hate things that they just don’t understand or secretly want to be. I’m sure I do the same thing.

There’s this MIA lyric I think of often: “I hate money ’cause it makes me numb.”

It’s this Catch-22. If I had money I wouldn’t really care about the people who didn’t. A I mean, I’m sure I would have the vague noblesse oblige to think that I know what’s right for the poor, but really, I don’t think I’d give a shit at all.

Did I mention that I got back in touch with Joe? He told me he hadn’t seen my last e-mail of like a year ago because he thought I was a band. I asked him for his AIM name so we wouldn’t lose touch for that long again. Last night with Brian I went back through nearly every single photo in my iPhoto library…way back to those days with Joe and Ben and Kevin. It’s so strange to think of the years I spent in that place…night after night of wandering the beaches and trails alone, swinging on the swings at KidTown, building forts, making bonfires on the beach because there was nothing better to do.

I think I really just miss the beach. Whenever there was nothing to do, I’d go down and read by the beach in this secret-ish hideout in the tree-shaded cliffs above Pebble Beach. I’d go take pictures at Point Saint George, ride my bike down the mountain biking trails behind my house, completely and utterly alone with the lakes, the sun, and the trail.

At the time I guess I felt bored out of my mind, but the strategy of finding things to do when it seems like there’s nothing to do is an important lifelong skill, I suppose.

I should take a shower and get down to the store before it closes.

Today was great fun. Brian, Zero, and I went to Arden Fair to see a special showing of the amazing cult film Repo-Man. Brian and Zero hadn’t seen it, and they loved it.

After that we got awesome yogurt at Big Spoon and went back to Brian’s house to munch on burritos and watch Family Guy and South Park.

Afterwards, Brian had worked up the courage to tell me that he was giving Johnny “another chance.”

This is break up number four, by the way.

Zero and I had a nice long discussion about the matter to try to clear the air. I told him that I had lost nearly all my respect for him in continuing this charade. I point-blank asked him what he got out of the relationship. He had no answer for me.

And the weird thing was, Brian told me that nearly all of their fights had been about me. Johnny being jealous of our friendship (way to take a page from the Allen playbook, look how that one played out). The thing Johnny doesn’t get is that for people like us, just getting along is easy. We’re laid-back, easygoing people. Yes, we get stressed and have bad days but really, a night like tonight is one I’d like to have every night. Friendship means laughter, sharing experiences, being there for each other.

All Johnny can do is imagine how slighted he is by these cruel people he doesn’t understand. The thing is, if he wasn’t treating one of my best friends like a doormat, I would probably be trying to get to know him better. I enabled that whole visit where Brian and I basically walked to his house from the Amtrak station…but most of all, I’m sick of Brian’s life being turned wholesale into a fucking telenovela.

Brian is an awesome, multifaceted person and deserves better than to prostrate himself for a self-serving, airheaded egomaniac. As we were talking, it was eerie the parallels between Johnny and Terry. These are the kind of people that our morally and intellectually bankrupt society shits out. People with no grounding in philosophy or literature to problem-solve their way out of a paper bag, chock-full of emotions but no sensible rubrick on which to act on them. Tawdry, predictable taste has a strong correlation with a love for melodrama.

I don’t mean to assassinate Johnny’s character (he’s done a swimming job of that already), but let’s face it, he is just not emotionally mature enough to date Brian. And if you know Brian, that should freak you out.

Brian, Zero, and I don’t have to be on the train to crazy town every five minutes to get our rocks off. We had so many moments of just paralyzing laughter tonight, I can’t see what Brian gleans out of fight after fight after fight.

Actually, I do see what he gets out of it. I see it because I was in a relationship just like it. We’ve all had a relationship like that. Making the person who is nice to you a separate person from the person that is mean to you. It’s one of the most obvious signs of an abusive relationship. I took human sexuality. I know this shit.

And the strange thing is, it’s Brian that’s abusing itself. He allows Johnny to be rude to him, to belittle him, to belittle his interests, his personality, his friends. In short, to make him have so little self-esteem that he can’t escape. It’s the first rule of abusive relationships.

It’s time for the self-abuse to stop. It was time like three weeks ago.