dream of a time when we weren’t torn at the seams

by A.

I’m in love with Jean Baudrillard. What I’m experiencing in my life is a large part Baudrillard’s indictments of our system of symbolic exchange.

We are today in what I would call a ‘Moebius-strip’ system. If we were in a face-to-face, confrontational system, strategies could be clear, based on a linearity of causes and effects. Whether one used good or evil, it would be used as part of a plan, and Machiavellianism would not lie outside rationality. But we are in a completely random universe in which causes and effects are piled one upon the other according to this ‘Moebius-strip’ model, and no one can know where the effects of the effects will end.

–Jean Baudrillard, Passwords

Had a long talk with my mom about the future.

I’m not sure where my place is.

We’re going back to Manhattan tomorrow.

Finished Passwords tonight.

I feel lonely. Josh is leaving, like, forever. It’s like a physical amputation when good friends move far far away. It would be incredibly unfortunate if I were to end up moving to San Francisco when he wasn’t there.

I miss Joe. He was such a good friend, even if we had totally different views on life. Well, we had compatible views up to the fact that he believed in a god.

I like Taylor. I wonder what the first thing I’ll dislike about him will be.

I smell, but it’s too late to take a shower. I’m actually kind of glad that Patrick and I won’t be able to rendezvous. It’s not fun being his silver medal when him and Shane aren’t doing well.

Listening to Honeycut, which is perfect music for lounging around. I want to have cute mornings where my boyfriend and I read magazines, spread out on the living room floor, leisurely smoking and drinking coffee.

I guess I was being overly vague in my last Baudrillard quote. It was kind of taken out of context. What I oppose is the loss of perspective caused by all participants in a situation being too close to something to be able to respond to it with due perspective.

He then talks about how promiscuity is similar to the information landscape we find ourselves in.

I don’t know how I feel about sex. Yes, I would like to be sleeping next to someone, but my current situation doesn’t give me that kind of luxury.

I feel like I’m never going to grow up, never going to come into my own. Never going to be able to come home at night without feeling like I’m sneaking back in.

It’s impossible not to be seduced by cutesy relationship crap. But I can’t have a real relationship with my current living situation. I think I’m going to have to spend a lot of time hanging out with Christen…I just need to meet someone that’s like her, but is a guy.

Must sleep, Manhattan awaits.