Today feels like reality is slipping apart and I can see into the seams. Having spontaneous conversations with the checkout people at the Co-Op and Emigh makes the world seem unbalanced.
Put in a full eight hours at work, did some cool stuff, but didn’t work on the thing that I was supposed to work on that I dread. My boss wasn’t there, it’s hard to motivate myself when he’s not.
Drove home and Grammie’s boyfriend had bought real ant traps (my grandma had been sprinkling this unnamed bug killer all over the kitchen, coating the whole counter with poison). I can’t even explain to her why that’s bad.
It turns out that Orrin is the one who’s going to decide if she lives or dies. My dad doesn’t care enough to come down here, my dad thinks my aunt stole $3,000 from Grammie, so it’s all him.
I have to move out of this place.
Watched a bunch of Voyager to keep from falling asleep at 7 p.m. (I got up really early), but then by 11 p.m. my second wind had hit and now it’s 3:40 a.m. and I can’t sleep.
I watched the last few episodes of Spaced, and then the show was over…it was the last episode. So depressing. So I thought I’d watch Firefly for a while, then (since I’d never seen it), I watched Serenity, the Firefly movie. The end was so sad I ended up crying…I wish I had my computer.
I installed the Mac OS 10.5.6 update this afternoon, and it bricked my computer. It wouldn’t boot up, it would get to the firmware then when it tried to load the OS it would turn off. So I’m booted from my external drive using an image of my computer a year ago. It’s weird, there was a saved Firefox session on here from a year ago. I can’t seem to find my Mac OS disk, so I’m downloading a new one. It’s 8GB, so it’ll take a day or so.
Oddly enough, since I bought my new external drive when I did, everything is fully backed up (I have access to my files, the computer just won’t boot from the internal drive.) I had heard about people having issues with the little OSX updates (10.5.2 to 10.5.3, for instance) and such, but since I’d never had them I didn’t really take them too seriously. I certainly will now.
I feel so alone and I want to call Kathleen, Taylor, somebody…but it’s selfish. I want to feel real again.
One good thing is that I’m going to see Sam this weekend. December is going to be my world tour month. I want to visit Molly and Taylor too…I haven’t seen Molly in ages. I miss her a lot. I hate the end of a TV series, it’s like a breakup…I was depressed for months after the end of watching DS9 from beginning to end.
I’m listening to Honeycut and trying not to remember how douchey and gimmicky they were live. There’s so much emotion in the songs, but seeing them live I wanted to get up on stage and say “THEY’RE FAKING IT.” The singer was just going through the motions.
I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place: a stable job in Sacramento and no future, or living in my mom’s basement a five minute bus ride from Manhattan.
Tomorrow is my math final. And on the 23rd I’ll get the results of my SAT. Then it’s applying-to-colleges time. I’m halfway done paying my credit card back after I cut it up a month or two ago. Fuck credit cards, they waste your money.
The last day of my geography class was so sad. I’m going to miss those people, and especially my teacher. But I’ll make it up by reading all the books he told us about whose titles I scribbled in my notebook.
Future Shock is good, but I’ve been too stressed out to read this week. I went and saw Amanda Palmer and Zoe Keating on Saturday with Christen, that was great. Here’s a video:
Amanda doing what she does best:
The ants continue to besiege the house. They are everywhere. You can’t put anything down for a moment without them finding it. They are coming in through the trim in my closet, from inside the cabinets in the kitchen, from under the molding in the bathroom.
You can’t have an itch without the thought that it’s an ant crawling on you..and you’re right half the time. I can’t have anyone over any more, Grammie has no idea who anyone is.
I’ve been looking and looking at rooms for rent on Craigslist. There’s some good ones, the rooming house I wanted was rented, but I didn’t have the money. I’ve found some really cool places though, even though I don’t quite have the money yet to move in somewhere. I’m making great progress paying off my credit card, after that I will do nothing but save for my apartment.
I think that will greatly lower my stress levels and allow me to focus on work and school without the downward spiral of living with someone with dementia.
In 20 years this place will be just like L.A. today.
Categories: Ennui