Woke up to the sound of Grammie screaming about who-knows-what for hours upon hours. At about four, the real part of my family finally showed up.
Kathleen, Kelly, and I had to make an alcohol run to get through the holiday. Kelly got wine, I got champagne. We sat at the dinner table, both of our bottles of wine conspicuously in front of us. We drank our way through the holiday…it’s really the only way to get out of there with a shred of your dignity intact.
We had an in joke about wanting there to be a bell that would ding to tell us when we’d ruined Christmas (like my grandma always says weeks later, no matter how well it goes). In the video you can hear Kelly make the ding and then we all laugh.
While Kelly and I were driving to Kathleen’s we talked about what a coup it was. To just be able to turn off our feelings like my grandma and my dad have done all their lives. We realized we’d been wanting something like this the whole time…eating until we felt sick had been but a primitive attempt to have the kind of Christmas we had.
I haven’t bought anyone presents. I didn’t even get my mom anything. I did get something for Christen, but that’s it.
I brought my computer over to Kathy’s house and we watched my converted VHS home movies for hours, the child versions of Kelly and I playing in the pool, roller skating, playing our adorably stupid little games. Watching Christmas after Christmas go by on the screen. House after house, a few of the people in the videos dead already, was a little too prophetic.
Needless to say, I’ve been listening to a lot of Slowdive and Nails. I want to crawl inside Souvlaki and disappear.
If there ever was a song to play at my funeral, it would be Blue Skied N Clear
Tonight, an unexpectedly candid text from someone I have a lot of buried feelings for turns everything upside-down and breaks down my defense mechanisms.
I’ve wasted so much time.
the world is gone
but we can hold on.
Categories: Ennui