I don’t know how to feel.
I’m too busy to feel anything.
10 page paper
8 page paper
4 page paper
One due monday, two due Tuesday.
This will be a fun weekend, I can see it already.
However, there is one silver lining.
Categories: Ennui
I’ve been doing some much-needed under-the-hood stuff this afternoon, in between my women’s studies homework.
I added the search bar (with super-advanced MySQL fulltext searching). I didn’t include the search bar for years because I was always afraid people would dig up dirt on me, but if they really wanted to they could have just used a Google search anyway.
Feel free to brush up on my favorite subjects (or yours).
Also, for those of you with Android/iPhones/touch phones, my blog now will display a nifty touch-friendly layout on those devices for reading on the go. You can even leave comments from the mobile view. Isn’t that nifty?
I must confess: I’ve fallen in love. I got a new tea infuser this weekend, and it’s made the best yerba mate ever. I can’t wait to try out some of my loose white tea in it. I drink tea constantly in the dorms, so it’s perfect for me.
I have this great short story in my brain, but I don’t think I’ll have time to write it out. Maybe after Spanish? I don’t think I’ve received a single grade lower than an A in my English class, my professor accidentally told the whole class that I’d gotten a 100 on my last paper. I found that pretty amusing.
I also need to rewrite the “about me” section, it’s ridiculously old. I wanted to make it a little expandable bio box on the sidebar, but that would require a lot of time and javascript hacking. Yeah, probably not going to happen until the semester is over.
Categories: Ennui
I spent the entire day doing homework. And listening to this amazing album. I must’ve listened to it four times today, mostly to the amazing song “Vitám Vás.” And I feel exhausted. I didn’t even do anything on my history paper I was so busy with all the other sundry things for my English class. That poetry explication took all day.
I just feel lost. I spend every day of the week doing schoolwork. Once I finish these term papers I am doing nothing but drinking and going to shows. Nothing else!
The day the finals are over I am buying the biggest bottle of amaretto I can find, taking it over to Jove’s house, and we are going to have a gigantic school-is-fucking-done party.
I made the background on my gigantic display a picture of a lemur. It’s ridiculously cute. That’s pretty much been the excitement of the day. I was supposed to go see Untitled today, but the person I was supposed to go to with flaked and the weather was bad so I didn’t feel like going alone. It’s kind of depressing going to see a comedy alone. I seem to never have time to go do fun stuff in New York anymore.
This is the part of the semester that I hate the most, when I’m absolutely bogged down with work and there is no hope of being out in the sunshine for at least a week or two. The week after my papers are due I will be frantically studying my Spanish for my final. If my dad doesn’t pay for the next semester after how hard I’ve worked I will kill him myself.
Speaking of death, my uncle had a meltdown today. Two weeks ago we moved him to an assisted living facility because he was basically going bonkers all the time. Today we found out that he took all of his clothes off and was smearing you-know-what on the walls. He’s in the county psych ward at this point, and apparently they wouldn’t give my mom any information over the phone which has got to be illegal.
I had another piece of his birthday cake today. I’m the only one eating it. I feel like if I eat it more and more and it eventually disappears we won’t ever have to think about what happened when we went to visit him on his birthday ever again.
I just want one Christmas untouched by death. Is that so much to ask? Just one when I don’t have to go crazy overdecorating the house to try to hide my feelings?
I feel like I’ve been grafted to this workstation chair and my HD display is my only link to the outside world. It’s a link with 2,073,600 little portholes into another universe.
But it is a limited universe. I’m going out tomorrow and I’m seeing Peaches, and I think that will put me in a much better mood.
I miss hanging out with people that get me. I should give Jon a call.
Categories: Ennui
Hoy, vaya a mi clase de inglés. Mi profesora estaba tratando enseñarnos la poesía, pero nosotros no estábamos escuchando.
Los poemas que ella estaba enseñando eran didáctico o postmoderno y simple. Una poema eran solamente sobre una vagón rojo y eran solamente 10 o 15 palabras.
Dí mi papel a mi profesor, y tuvimos un conversación sobre la interpretación de la poesía. Pedí si es posible interpretar una poema en un contexto moderno, de una manera que el autor nunca deseado mientras escribía.
Ella dijo que esa pregunta es uno de los mayoría preguntas de la interpretación de la poesía, y probablemente la tema de un discusión en el proxima clase.
Después, fue a mi apartamento y hablí con Mario con mi computadora. Estuve muy cansado, no salí hasta mi clase de español.
Tengo un profesor terrible. Su tangentes sobre Abraham Lincoln y la actriz niño Peggy Ann Garner, son muy distrayendo. Él es el rey de diatribas carente de pertinencia.
Dudo que tenga tiempo escribir mis dos trabajos de investigación este fin semana, pero voy a intentar hacerlo.
Escribí este entrada de blog en la laboratorio de idiomas. Es importante estudiar mi español, porque el próxima examen se sentra en el subjuntivo.
*—*
Today I went to my English class. My professor was trying to teach us poetry, but we weren’t listening.
The poems she was teaching were either didactic or postmodern and simple. One poem was only about a red wagon and was only 10 or 15 words.
I gave my paper to my pforessor, and had a conversation about the interpretation of poetry. I asked if it was possible to interpret a poem in a modern context, one that the author couldn’t have intended while he was writing.
She said that question is one of the major questions of the interpretation of poetry, and probably the topic of the next class discussion.
After, I went to my apartment and talked with Mario on my computer. I was very tired, so I didn’t go anywhere until my Spanish class.
I have a terrible professor. His tangents about Abraham Lincoln and the child actress Peggy Ann Garner are very distracting. He is the king of irrelevant diatribes.
I hope that I have time to write my two research papers this weekend, but I intend to do it.
I wrote this blog post in the language lab. It’s important to study my Spanish, because the next test focuses on the subjunctive.
Categories: Ennui
Anoche, tuve un sueño sobre una familia hispano. Se suponía casar de una muchacha. Estamos en un jardín detrás de su casa, y dije a ella en español que no puedo casar de ella. Ella estuve llorando, pero después de un rato me fui.
Categories: Ennui
I feel like I should write something tonight.
I have a cold, so my voice-recognition isn’t very good. This is the moment that I pine for when I’m in the dorms… absolutely alone in the middle of the night with voice recognition. Windows splayed across my massive display. And yet I don’t feel good.
Perhaps it’s the overshadowing feeling of doom because of those term papers. Perhaps it’s because I accidentally forgot my registration PIN at the dorm room and I have to go back for it tomorrow.
I watched a little bit of three different movies… I couldn’t decide what I wanted to watch. I wasn’t really watching though, I was working on websites. Which takes a special kind of movie, one you’ve seen many times that is fast enough to entertain one part of your brain while the other part is doing work.
I have an article in my Economist sitting in front of me that I was dying to read this morning but couldn’t care less about now. I haven’t even opened this week’s New Yorker. I have a stack of Spanish workbooks that I’m probably not going to touch this weekend either. I need to go to the city and pick up some research materials for my paper. I just have no time to work anymore.
I did manage to frame my diploma from American River College. I hung it next to my computer desk downstairs. I was thinking this month that it was kind of a mistake to stay in Sacramento for that extra year, but it was my backup plan. If I hated this area, I could have gone right back to San Francisco and started right on my way to my bachelor’s.
I just can’t do any of the things that I normally enjoy what I’m sick. I hate it.
It’s four o’clock in the morning again. I need to try to get to sleep. I’ll read Amy Hempel until I feel tired.
Categories: Ennui
It’s all right to say it as long as you don’t really think so.
I’ve been thirsty all day, and no amount of tea or water or anything will make it better. I’ve got the sniffles and the beginning of a cold. I feel sorry for my roommates, I’ll probably end up giving it to them.
I finally ended up talking to that guy I sort of halfway met when I was really fucking drunk at that party at the beginning of the semester. He seems nice enough, even invited me to live with him and two other of the gays in the dorms next semester. I might just end up doing it.
I’m listening to “Parallel Lines” on repeat.
I’m feeling unsettled. Had a test in English this morning, I think I did all right. It’s late, I need to get to sleep.
Tomorrow, after work, I’m going to go ride my bike down to the waterfront and look at the skyline. Perhaps I’ll feel better then.
I’ll probably feel strange until Mondo on Friday. I need to dance my problems away. I need to drunk text someone.
I miss the days when Taggart would text me back. I should have never told him I’d left. We’re no longer star-crossed lovers. And he’s no longer a promising young artist, he’s just unemployed.
Still, there’s no one that can make my stomach do somersaults like him. There’s something about one’s first love.
I hate being 3,000 miles from most of the people I love.
But to continue my life in California would have been to settle for a life of mediocrity, and I’m not willing to do that.
Just when I think I’m starting to put down roots here, they get ripped out. Fuck New York, I might as well make friends at the college. Maybe they won’t be so fake.
My cough is getting worse and worse. It’s now 4 a.m.
I’m going to sleep on the couch, I don’t want to get Vince sick too.
I feel lonely and isolated when I’m at the university. I think it’s because I don’t know any gays here. As much as I despise the frivolous stupidity that pervades the universe of faggotry, I have to face the reality that I can’t relate to straight guys, or most people.
I don’t follow sports, I view it as a colossal distraction cooked up to distract people from the fact that the rich are robbing us blind. I feel like an absolute alien when people are cheering for some team and freaking out.
I need to go to another planet where everyone is rational, but that doesn’t exist. I’m not even rational. All I do is stay up until 4 a.m. every night, lying on the couch, staring out the window at New York City, a twinkling blanket of lights so far away.
I need to write some stupid paper this weekend, but I’m not thinking about it. I’ve been watching an excessive amount of DS9 this week, which usually means that I’m unsatisfied with my life.
I think this week just sucks because I’m sick and can’t do my normal routine of class and working out. I also feel the weight of the two term papers I have to finish in 18 days.
Shit. Laptop battery is going to die in three minutes.
That is the only thing that ever makes me end up in bed.
Categories: Ennui
I had a great time on Halloween, saw Junior Boys. It was a beautiful and fantastic show. Saw so many great costumes in the city.
This week has been a mixed bag. I think I’m fighting off some kind of cold, I’ve felt really tired and haven’t been working out. Tonight was my history test. I think I did all right. I filled the entire blue book with essay, I had to wrap up the French Revolution on the back cover.
Tomorrow is this big drama test (ha, I should do just fine after living in Sacramento). I’m going to find it hilarious if I get an A. I should be studying, but I had to de-stress after my test so I watched this fantastic movie that Yevgeny recommended, called Romeo is Bleeding.
On the day before Halloween, Yevgeny and I went to see this cult movie called The Room. We got dinner at our obsession (French Roast). Through the whole meal, he was beyond excited, and I was about to find out why. There is no way to describe The Room, you just have to see it. It’s—unbelievably bad. Spectacularly bad. But that’s what makes it fucking hilarious. There are points at which you throw plastic spoons at the screen…it was the most fun I’d had in a long time.
I’m drinking gin and watching the Antiques Roadshow with the roomate. I’m not studying for this test. Fuck it. lol
Categories: Ennui