the diary of antoine roquentin

This weekend was totally awesome.

I didn’t really do much, but I had tons of fun. Probably had something to do with the company I’ve been keeping.

I went over to Matt’s after school on Wednesday, and I telecommuted from his place until we went to see Rashomon that night. We got in pretty early, had some Chipotle (orgasm!) and then went to this place called The Grey Dog a few blocks from the Film Forum and had some confections and espresso. They have really good coffee, although it’s pretty expensive. Like, $13 for a salad expensive.

It was really great seeing that movie again, I hadn’t seen it since the summer. the next day, after work, we went to visit my uncle in the hospital. It was just my aunt and I, and my uncle was very agitated talking about how he was constipated. He would be awake for five minutes talking and then immediately asleep again. While before he wasn’t in much pain apparently he’s in a lot of pain now. My aunt said they gave him liquid morphine today when they visited.

He survived the death sentence by five years

and now we’re basically just waiting.

We’re trying to think about positive things (my aunt Gail called me an hour ago and was so excited talking about these cheap vacation rentals in Wildwood they found for this summer) but there’s always this layer of impending horror layered over our interactions. It’s marching inexorably closer, and even though I never was close with my uncle (his personality made that impossible for anyone), it’s going to be heartbreaking to see my grandma have to put one of her children in the grave.

I’m not even sure how I’m supposed to feel about this whole situation. I’m just dreading it. I absolutely adore my grandma and I wish I could spare her this, but it’s just going to happen. She has the peculiar ability to let other people’s problems drag her down too, and I really hope that won’t happen.

I had so much fun yesterday though, Matt and I went to see Asobi Seksu at Le Poisson Rouge, this little venue in the Village. They recorded this acoustic version of a bunch of their songs and so this tour was all acoustic at small venues. I have to say, even though that bitch is like 4 feet tall she is an amazing singer. She was in this white dress with gigantic white heels just like on the cover of the album. I was expecting a gaggle of those wapanese fags, but it was actually not a bad crowd.

She did this rendition of “Layers” that made me weak in the knees. Imagine this, but only with vocals, glockenspiel, and xylophone in a very intimate venue. Matt and I were probably three meters from her, max. They didn’t disappoint.

After that, we went to this night called Trash at the Studio at Webster Hall (yes, I know, you’re thinking Webster Hall, ultra-douchey) but this was actually really fun. They played Blur, Gossip, Yelle, Cut Copy, and a bunch of other great stuff.

Today I wasn’t really in a big hurry to get home, because I knew my mom was up in bumfuck nowhere with her boyfriend. Matt and I watched the latest Kathy Griffin DVD (She’ll Cut a Bitch) and I went home. I did some work on Josh’s website, and then went downstairs to paint for a while. I think it came out pretty good, but we’ll see what happens tomorrow. I think I need another brush just for white—no matter how much I clean the brushes I can never get all of the old paint out. I guess it never occurred to me to Google that, I just got one of my most saturated brushes clean as a whistle, so tomorrow I’ll be attacking my new masterpiece with more paint.

Did I mention that I also scored Jorge Luis Borges’ Collected Works at the Union Sq Barnes and Noble? I have to say, Strand is great and all, but I never find anything there. I’ve read a lot of the ones that were published in Labyrinths, but since I lost that on the plane back from Oklahoma, I thought it would be wonderful to read every single story he ever wrote.

I’ve been in front of my computer for the past few hours but I have no idea what I’m doing. Well, for most of that time I was really painting and just using my computer as a jukebox, but I feel like reading Gizmodo just makes me want a Nexus One that I don’t really need (and would frustrate me with the lack of a good keyboard).

Sometimes I’m not sure what I’m doing. I’m feeling really apathetic about the school year. I suppose it’s because I’m probably going to have to delay graduate school for another year because of the smattering of classes that didn’t transfer. I’m going to apply anyway, and if I don’t get into any good programs then so be it.

In a lot of my classes my professors talk about finding our unique voice. I guess it’s impossible to step outside one’s writing and read it critically, but I feel like I’ve already found my voice.

I suppose I always considered school as just a formality. I’ve read more than they will ever make me read in college, I’ve written more than would ever be required (of course, not formal writing, but still).

I’m going over the guide for my major and getting quite confused. There’s this whole section for English electives, yet the online system has a bunch of things in that category and they aren’t counted towards my degree. Maybe everything your major has to be taken at the college that you matriculate from? I need to schedule a meeting with the English department chair.

I was feeling really apathetic tonight and I was looking at apartments in Queens and Washington Heights and Brooklyn—anywhere I could possibly afford. it’s really strange, the rents aren’t that much higher than Sacramento at all. I don’t understand why everybody doesn’t just move to New York. Usually when I’m looking for apartments I’m in my “sick of being so stressed out” mode and wanting to just go into a fugue state. I think it’s this whole concept of my life being in two places that’s got me feeling a bit discombobulated.

I did hang up my cloud painting over my workstation, and it looks very good. I had all these ideas of what I was going to paint over the clouds, but I actually kind of like the clouds by themselves. I think it’s the most upbeat thing I have painted in a long time.

I’ve been listening to the Smiths all night, mostly because it’s Matt’s favorite band and all. I always had a smattering of the singles, but never downloaded the entire albums before. I got them in Apple Lossless. I always loved Bigmouth Strikes Again, This Charming Man, and Pretty Girls Make Graves, but There is a Light That Never Goes Out is creeping up on my list.

It’s 1:00 and I’ve squandered my reading time. But I did hash out a bunch of stuff about my courses.

It’s 2:00 and I’ve squandered my reading time talking to someone that lives in the same building as me…but I did get a hilarious story out of it. I need to fictionalize it. ASAP.

2:30 and I found another cute Washed Out fan vid:

Categories: Ennui

It’s 2:49 a.m. and I have the assignment for my grammar and style class on my lap, but I couldn’t care less about it.

I just want to say I miss summer soooo bad. I watched this video this guy made from his Caribbean vacation with this High Times song behind it, and I was just dying to jump in the ocean.

The grammar assignment isn’t much, I just have to read a few pages. I’ll do it in between classes.

I miss summer.

so.

much.

I’d give anything to just run down the burning sand and dive into the bathwater-warm Atlantic right now.

So, I bought my tickets to California also. I’m leaving New York June 17 and doing a week in SF, a week in Sac, and a week in Reno, give or take a few days. I might go back and forth a bit, Mario and I were talking about maybe doing some kind of Sac expatriate meetup at the Merc or something odd like that.

I’m still in debt, but at least I’ll be looking forward to an amazing vacation. I’ll still be telecommuting while on “vacation,” so that will be rather odd, but I’ll still get to see everyone I miss.

I’m loving Taken by Trees and Washed Out. Such a great EP.

This probably sounds really scattered, but it’s late and I’m not really tired. I forgot my pillow yet again, so I’ve got to just deal. My bed is so uncomfortable, I’ve got to remember to get an egg crate thing.

All of my undone tasks are catching up with me. I’m supposed to have all this stuff done for work but really I only have 50% done if that. I wish I had a switch that I could turn myself off and go to sleep.

I’m seeing Asobi Sesku next week, which should be awesome. I had this whole semioticsblarg to write about this show I saw, but my wrists are killing me and I just don’t have time. Maybe later when I’ve finished the other 10,000 things I’m doing and then can find some kind of time-space inversion to do voice-recognition in at my college.

Categories: Ennui

I felt so exhausted today, although I did nothing. I think I’m not doing anything on purpose so that I start school with an environment of zero stress.

Yesterday I went with Matt to this bar off Bedford Avenue to see some bands. We had a few drinks and talked about music for a while. I’m beginning to believe that the standard by which all fat people what we judge is officially Beth Ditto. I mean, somebody can be fat, but the real question is are they Beth Ditto fat?

I’m getting back into the routine of writing, which of course will be completely torn asunder by going back to school, but it’s good to get back into it anyway.

I’ve been going out so much that I haven’t been getting much reading done. Tonight I’m going out to see Showgirls with Yevgeny, it should be totally fun.I feel like I should have so much more to talk about, but I’m rather drained. Maybe I should start writing one of those stories that I’ve been bouncing around my head.

Categories: Ennui

I’m not sure what I’ve done to deserve such an honor, but this week I got two letters from my grandmother with dementia.

DISCLAIMER: Nothing in these letters are real, it’s her delusions. I’ll try to elucidate what’s wrong in editor’s notes. I don’t know what to do with these letters other than to post them. Maybe that’s the only way I can process it.

Some were absolutely incoherent, like this mess:

Go to bank — I am send message. Get one of girls to get to attorney —

1. Change the bank account — change to another bank if no change at that bank.

2. Change — My Bank Account to me [her name] to just mine. how much is there monthly Call Orrin [her boyfriend] if — Keep same payments — except what is Anton’s — my name and yours if they won’t accept just my acct — I will get to bank from here if I can’t I will [authorize?] some-one else — my sister or ?

And then there are ones that sound almost lucid, like this one:
(front)

(back)

Dear Anton,

Such a long time I know—however, my son [my dad] has put me in prison as a sick person.—this is my second year for this [she's only been there six months] and I have not one anything—I have not been ill—at all—not even a sniffle [the obsession with sickness is a remnant of Christian Scientist teaching which doesn't believe in disease or seeing doctors] but they—the place I am in doesn’t care as they get the money—which [my dad] pays for from my money—every person in here is ill but I have not had one ounce of illness and I am locked in my small room I do get out for the meals—this is my second year—no one will help me—none of my family no doctors—I have not seen a doctor ever [she had cancer, and did chemo, that's the only reason she's alive] —I hope all the others who are sick—I should be the nurse—hopefully I will escape this year but I do need a place to go—as I got away before and they found me at my house (about a block away. Keep your prayers going for me—I am very healthy and active so don’t worry about that—I will find a place to go—but it is very crowded now[.]

I hope things are well with you—do not mention anything about me if you write me they read everything before the patient can see them—if not urgent for them the patient does not get it—I hope all is well with you—no address here so good luck—I would love to see you[.]

There were a few more in that envelope postmarked January 9, 2010, mostly papers with tons of things vaguely about the family but not making any sense scrawled all over them.

I can’t read the postmark on the second letter, but it was sent in January and arrived a few days later. She filled a whole page front and back with text, and a smaller note. The small note was the most (and least) lucid one I had read so far.

Hi Anton,

forgive me for sending the report about your brother. I don’t know what I did to him to make him hate me so—and all the mean things he does constantly.

It is so good to hear from you and I am so proud of you-come and see me anytime—I would love that-I am here 24 hours a day

My room is number 110. Love you—can’t wait to see you and your family—you can use my house to stay in—I don’t think anyone is there[.]

Love, Mom

Doesn’t this one seem totally rational? There are a number of problems. First, it’s very unclear who this letter is actually to. My dad and I have the same name, so I’m assuming in the beginning that it’s to me because she mentions the “mean things he does constantly” and she’s very angry at my dad for putting her in the home. However, I don’t have a brother, and my grandma isn’t my mom.

So if you interpret it the other way that it’s to my dad, then who’s the brother? My only uncle died two years ago, so there’s really no logical way to parse this. Possibly she’s writing to some combination of my father and I in her mind. That’s the real terror of dementia— that an outsider could read this letter and think it was written by someone with full control of their faculties. You know, when I first got that letter she sent for my birthday it brought me to tears, mostly because she was begging to be set free almost with the voice of a child. These seem to be almost loving.

She mentions her house in the last line “I don’t think anyone is there.” The house was sold last year.

The majority of the letters either don’t make sense or are kind of positive in a weird way. I guess maybe I should feel good that she’s writing me even if she really has no idea what she’s saying or who I am. It’s clear from these that she really does love my dad and I, but is totally baffled about her situation. I wish I could go see her. I need to buy my tickets to go to California soon.

Categories: Ennui

So I know I told a few of you this story about a friend of mine that was defending genocide, and I thought it was such a good story that I should probably just post the chat log and let you all decide whether I’m crazy to be offended at this interchange.

So, background: I had just gotten out of my Western civilization class, where my professor would always talk about the Austrian Empire and their ruthless tactics, so I’m not pulling this out of my ass. He reveals later that he never even took Western Civ.

Also, I’m posting it unedited for context, but it starts at “booooo austria is awesome.”

For your consideration:

11:20:18 PM Steve: hello sir
11:20:22 PM Anton: bonjour
11:20:25 PM Anton: how are you
11:20:35 PM Steve: pretty well
11:20:42 PM Steve: got a cold
11:20:47 PM Steve: but nothing terrible
11:20:49 PM Steve: how about u?
11:21:44 PM Anton: I’m okay, got my term papers back today
11:21:49 PM Anton: got As on both of them
11:21:54 PM Steve: very nice!
11:22:16 PM Steve: the zola one and what was the other one?
11:23:15 PM Steve: oh the haiku one?
11:23:28 PM Anton: no, I got my English paper back on Monday
11:23:39 PM Anton: I wrote it on The City, that poem by Cavafy
11:23:46 PM Anton: the other one was my women’s studies paper
11:23:54 PM Steve: ahhhhh i remember that one
11:23:59 PM Anton: I wrote it on AI and cyborg feminism
11:25:24 PM Steve: ok maybe not
11:25:25 PM Steve: lol
11:25:51 PM Anton: it was actually a great paper once I reread it
11:26:00 PM Steve: if u don’t say so yourself
11:26:04 PM Anton: you know sometimes you reread your work and go “god, what bullshit” but it was actually great
11:26:13 PM Steve: :-P
11:26:18 PM Steve: no i know what u mean
11:26:25 PM Steve: i’m writing about traffic cones at the moment
11:28:06 PM Anton: why’s that
11:28:19 PM Steve: i’m relating it to semiotics
11:30:10 PM Steve: i am calling it: Art History and the Semiotics of a Traffic Cone
11:30:43 PM Anton: I thought you were an art history major, not a postmodern theory major
11:31:03 PM Steve: essentially these articles we’re reading to explain semiotics use such abstract thoughts and ideas i reduced them to something relatable
11:31:06 PM Steve: i.e. a traffic cone
11:31:44 PM Steve: because if i had tried to walk their walk i would have only confused myself
11:32:05 PM Anton: lol
11:32:23 PM Anton: I got sucked into this Risk clone for my phone and I’ve been playing it all day
11:32:30 PM Steve: lol
11:37:53 PM Steve: what is risk clone?
11:38:15 PM Anton: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Risk_(game)
11:38:43 PM Anton: I just knocked out the Grand Duchy of Austria, fuck yeah
11:38:54 PM Steve: booooo austria is awesome
11:40:38 PM Anton: why do you say that
11:40:51 PM Steve: that austria is awesome?
11:41:01 PM Anton: sí
11:41:14 PM Steve: they have so much amazing history
11:41:33 PM Anton: yeah, by oppressing nearly their entire population and playing each side against the middle
11:41:42 PM Anton: the Austrian Empire was fucked up
11:41:54 PM Anton: that’s the reason that all the countries in the Balkans hate each other
11:41:54 PM Steve: but looked what they produced
11:42:01 PM Anton: centuries of genocide
11:42:04 PM Anton: that’s hardly an achievement
11:42:31 PM Anton: I just got out of my history class
11:42:45 PM Steve: its like they say in third man:
11:42:58 PM Steve: Like the fella says, in Italy for 30 years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, and the Renaissance. In Switzerland they had brotherly love – they had 500 years of democracy and peace, and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock.
11:43:30 PM Steve: its not austria, but the same principle applies
11:43:42 PM Steve: yes, genocide and oppression did occur, and it still occurs
11:44:07 PM Steve: but other things happen to, and one shouldn’t be ignored in light of the other
11:44:30 PM Anton: that’s a disturbing attitude
11:44:39 PM Anton: so we should just ignore the Holocaust too
11:44:47 PM Steve: not at all
11:45:02 PM Steve: i’m just saying you can’t only look at one facet and use that to define an entire society
11:45:55 PM Steve: i’m not saying you ignore anything, instead look at everything simultaneously and recognize both the achievements and failings of a society
11:47:00 PM Anton: The Hapsburgs didn’t create much of anything
11:47:15 PM Anton: other than beautiful women and stupid men that could be used as pawns in puppet govermnennts
11:47:18 PM Anton: governments*
11:48:40 PM Anton: my roomates are playing with the circuit breakers again
11:48:49 PM Anton: yay
11:48:52 PM Steve: the habsurgs ruled for centuries
11:49:49 PM Anton: They didn’t really rule, the male Hapsburgs were mostly puppets
11:50:15 PM Steve: they stayed in power from 1780 until 1918
11:50:27 PM Steve: thats a pretty damn long time
11:50:42 PM Anton: but they weren’t really in power
11:50:52 PM Steve: who was?
11:51:05 PM Anton: sure, they were on the throne, but the hapsburg men were just puppets to be used by whatever people really had power
11:51:28 PM Anton: the Holy Roman Emperor actually had very little real power, the states inside it were all mostly autonomous
11:51:50 PM Anton: that’s why it ended up falling
11:52:14 PM Steve: but they still managed to produce some pretty impressive cultural achievements
11:52:20 PM Anton: like what
11:52:30 PM Steve: hmm, well lets see
11:52:38 PM Steve: from 1780 until 1919
11:52:45 PM Steve: thats quite a long time
11:52:55 PM Anton: a long rule is not a cultural achievement
11:53:03 PM Steve: hold on
11:53:34 PM Steve: for example beethoven
11:53:54 PM Steve: born in what was then the holy roman empire
11:54:18 PM Steve: now i may be wrong, but he was kinda a big deal
11:54:19 PM Steve: still is
11:54:48 PM Anton: beethoven vs. centuries of ethnic violence
11:54:55 PM Anton: I don’t think it really balances out
11:55:09 PM Steve: the two go hand in hand, there is always ethnic violence
11:55:20 PM Anton: that is an immoral position
11:55:47 PM Anton: the Hapsburgs put down rebellions by using each one of the different ethnic groups in their empire against each other
11:55:57 PM Steve: that still happens today
11:56:04 PM Steve: it doesn’t make it any better or worse
11:56:05 PM Anton: no it doesn’t, there are no more colonies
11:56:51 PM Steve: the middle east is a prime example
11:57:21 PM Steve: countries whose boundries were establishes to pit ethnic groupd against one another
11:57:56 PM Anton: the middle east is different because today we have nation states
11:58:32 PM Anton: the Austrian Empire is basically like if the entire middle east was one big state and they made each ethnic group fight against each other so that the hypothetical Middle East Empire would never fall
11:58:42 PM Steve: nation states that were long controled by outside interests
11:58:45 PM Anton: because that’s what they did in the Balkans
11:58:48 PM Steve: i.e. Iran
11:59:48 PM Anton: I don’t think what you’re saying makes any sense
12:00:02 AM Steve: and i don’t think what ur saying makes any sense
12:00:03 AM Anton: in keeping with what I learned this semester
12:00:14 AM Anton: did you take western civ?
12:00:27 AM Anton: I just did 1500-present
12:00:38 AM Steve: i got a four on the AP exam in highschool
12:00:42 AM Steve: and tested out of it
12:01:12 AM Anton: then you should believe that I know what I’m talking about
12:01:12 AM Anton: lol
12:02:24 AM Steve: your professor may have had an inkling
12:02:33 AM Steve: but it seems as though all she taught was genocide
12:02:45 AM Anton: Austria
12:02:55 AM Steve: well genocide in austria then
12:02:56 AM Anton: and how they managed their empire
12:03:02 AM Anton: is the source of a ton of modern problems
12:03:10 AM Anton: which is why it’s an important subject
12:03:23 AM Steve: did she ever touch on what that empire produced during that period? which is equally valid
12:04:52 AM Anton: yes, we covered the cultural advances in europe
12:05:06 AM Steve: ok then
12:05:21 AM Anton: but that doesn’t have much to do with how they managed their empire
12:06:01 AM Steve: i would think it has everything to do with how they managed their empire
12:06:44 AM Steve: you can’t separate the management of a government from the achievements of that country
12:07:00 AM Steve: the government enables those achievements
12:07:03 AM Steve: and also the failings
12:08:39 AM Steve: did the austrian empire oppress people? of course but as a result did others flurish and create cultural achievements? yes because they had the means to. whenever someone is oppressed someone else profits, does it make it right? of course not but the two are connected
12:08:51 AM Anton: no it’s not
12:08:54 AM Steve: and you can’t separate one from the other
12:09:01 AM Anton: they had the ability to manage their empire without causing ethnic strife
12:09:04 AM Anton: but they chose not to
12:09:19 AM Anton: they still would have been paying the bills to whoever was composing their symphonies
12:09:26 AM Steve: but would they have lasted as long as they did?
12:09:53 AM Anton: their empire was totally weak the entire time, but nobody really knew it until this one war that ended with one battle
12:10:04 AM Anton: so it would have turned out the same either way
12:11:21 AM Steve: you can’t just eliminate ethnic strife
12:11:27 AM Steve: and assume everything would have gone the same way
12:11:54 AM Anton: I would give up a hundred beethovens for peace in the balkans
12:12:00 AM Anton: I think you have your priorities backwars
12:12:02 AM Anton: backwards
12:12:26 AM Steve: i don’t have my priorities backwards, i’m just saying that one thing goes with the other
12:12:34 AM Anton: I’m saying that it doesnt
12:12:37 AM Steve: every coin has two sides and if you look at one you have to look at the other
12:12:45 AM Anton: Austria is a special case
12:12:51 AM Anton: France and Germany produced tons of culture
12:13:15 AM Anton: but never created the kind of quagmire that Austria did
12:13:16 AM Steve: and i suppose they oppressed no one?
12:13:44 AM Anton: they had bitter wars, but they didn’t do what Austria did
12:14:06 AM Anton: create an entire region of the world that’s crippled by their decisions
12:14:11 AM Steve: france suppressed the huguenots allowing the catholic monarchy to ascend and thus issue in both the cultural achievements and the flip side
12:14:26 AM Anton: that’s a different time period
12:14:40 AM Steve: buts its still the same story of opression and ascendency
12:14:48 AM Steve: you cannot have one without the other
12:14:51 AM Anton: no, those were religious wars rather than ethnic wars
12:14:59 AM Anton: and had nothing to do with the mismanagement of empires
12:15:11 AM Steve: someone will always be on the bottom its just the way its going to be
12:15:23 AM Steve: it sucks
12:15:24 AM Anton: that’s a terribly fatalistic way to look at things
12:15:57 AM Steve: its the way things are
12:16:02 AM Steve: you can
12:16:35 AM Steve: there are those on top and those on the bottom
12:16:59 AM Steve: and by recognizing that, ideally we do what we can to help those on the bottom
12:17:10 AM Steve: does that always happen? no
12:17:23 AM Anton: that has nothing to do with instigating ethnic violence
12:17:52 AM Steve: we’re switching topics now
12:18:41 AM Steve: is ethnic violence a terrible thing? without a doubt, but should it be the sole basis on which to judge a country no
12:19:21 AM Steve: its like a person, a person may be a murderer, but at some point in their life they did a good deed, does that outweigh the violence? no, but that deed is still a aprt of the person
12:19:32 AM Steve: the good and the bad coexist
12:19:46 AM Steve: and are equal halves of the same whole
12:20:50 AM Steve: whether it is a country or a person, both are capable of bad and good and if you want to get a holistic view of either, both should be taken into account
12:22:13 AM Steve: anyway i’m suppose to meet a friend for a walk
12:22:15 AM Steve: so i’ll ttul
12:22:17 AM Anton: ttyl

Categories: Ennui