Category Archives: jamais vu

another wasted weekend on the road to death 0

> Assemblage 23 – Tried

Today was very depressing. I woke up at around eleven and started washing my clothes because I thought I was going to hang out with Thomas at 2 p.m. I went to take a shower around one, and when I got back there was a message on my voicemail from him saying he had been delayed at work and had to stay until six. I called him back a few times and he didn’t answer. I even left a message. And I never leave messages. Anyway, since we obviously weren’t hanging out for a while, I decided to go for a bike ride. I rode into town and back (around twenty miles or so) and got back around four. Right then my mom called me and wanted me to proofread like three of her papers. A quarter of the way through the first paper, Thomas signed on and I really wanted to talk to him but I had to spend another two hours on these retarded papers. And then my dad is calling me to eat dinner. I felt like everyone was pulling me from all sides and it was INFURIATING. An hour and a half into my mom’s papers, Thomas signed off. He hasn’t been on all the rest of the day. So nothing happened today. And I wasted another weekend. I’m wasting my life.

As I said to my cousin earlier today, life is a spiraling black pit of despair with occasional moments of false hope. Having fun this weekend was one of my false hopes. I am in a foul mood. And I feel like I’m the one responsible for fucking up the social engagement I was supposed to have fun today. And I had it planned out so perfectly too. We were going to go out to the seastacks off of Pebble Beach at low tide. It was going to be cool. But no.

I’m so depressed, bored, and alone.

Amanda graciously invited me to drunken Scrabble night: revolutions, but I’m definitely not in the mood to hang out with people. I’m 90% sure that hanging out with them would make me incredibly happy and I would have a great time, but the small chance that I would sit in the corner sulking because I’m alone in this horrible ugly world is just too much to risk.

I broke down and got that computer case. It was $140. It had better be worth it. I always buy shit when I get depressed. Fuck. Why do I let people do this to me?

This is the person I’m going to turn into if I don’t leave this hellhole or meet some cool people. Fuck.

I need to buy a new computer. Only that will make me stop thinking about my disappointment about moving away. And my disappointment about wasting my life. That was my dream, to leave this place. But dreams never come true. I’m going to try and read that novel that I don’t really like to get it out of the way and to make myself stop thinking about my life.

Categories: jamais vu

Published:
September 4, 2005 – 8:41 pm
Author:
By A.

porn et al 1

Holy shit. Today I downloaded the hottest porno ever, some hella hot Paul Morris stuff. And usually his stuff has creepily middle-aged guys in it (with the exception of the Damon series, which I deeply adore). I also adore Paul Morris’s porn because in almost EVERY scene you can see the PowerBook they use to edit all the videos on. Gay sex and macs. What could be hotter?

And I jerked off like six times today because I had nothing better to do and no one to have sex with. I didn’t even know that was possible. It could have concievably been seven times. I am so lame. I would get so much more done if I were a eunuch. But I can’t deal with that high-pitched voice crap. I’m going to sleep.

Categories: jamais vu

Published:
September 3, 2005 – 2:48 am
Author:
By A.

no plan is the ultimate master plan 0

I really didn’t do anything this weekend, with the exception of the party. I was supposed to hang out with Ripley on Saturday, but (as usual) he bailed on me. Whatever. I had a sneaking suspicion he was playing both sides… pretending to go out with Adrien while secretly scheming to get me to take him to Sacramento. I’m an avid conspiracy theory inventor.

I didn’t do much today except for go on my normal 3 mi. bike ride and do a whole bunch of packing. I am amazed by how much stuff I have. But I’m whittling away at it. I’m thinking is telling my boss today that I’m leaving at the end of the month. Nah. I’ll tell him next week, a week ahead of schedule. I get paid Wednesday. I hope it’s enough to pay my bills, save some away, and buy that new hard drive I want for my computer to set up a RAID array.

Me and Ripley talked a few days ago about if he wanted to go out with me, and he said yes. But I feel like it’s not really true… but it’s all just a scheme…but then again I find it hard to believe that people like me as much as they do. I don’t know. It just really hurts to know that you’re the number two. God this post is boring me. I’m going to take some NyQuil and go to sleep. I have to be up at like quarter to six tomorrow. And then I’m going to have to waste an entire day in town because I’m lying to my dad that I’m starting college today. Motherfuck. Maybe Ripley will call me. Or maybe the sun will explode. Well, at least I’ll possibly get some reading done. I’ll put my novel in my car before I go to sleep.

Categories: jamais vu

Published:
August 28, 2005 – 9:58 pm
Author:
By A.

creation. destruction. creation. destruction. creation. destruction. creation. destruction. 1

> Miss Kittin and the Hacker – You and Us
> Random Fischerspooner
> Random Peaches
> Random Meat Beat Manifesto

Today sucked. I’m going to owe my Dad $1800. I’m going to have to call the lady at the car repair place tomorrow and tell her that I want the rebuilt transmission with the six-month warranty. I’m going to go to Sacramento and sell it. Pay my dad back. Pocket the difference. Save up for a sweet computer.

I built the computer of my high-end but slightly conservative dreams on alienware.com, and it was around $3500. It had a dual core 3.8GHz processor with hyper threading technology. It supported DDR2, the new hella fast RAM. All sorts of bells and whistles. I can’t afford bells and whistles right now. Although I do have $800 saved up. I talked to my boss today about taking on some more work, and I’m going to do two new tasks, one that I will hate and one that won’t be hard at all. I’m subjecting myself to that task because I want to leave this town so bad.

Hopefully, I will be making about $400 per pay period. That will definitely allow me to move by Nine Inch Nails in September, but I might stay a month or so more just so I can buy myself a Vespa or car or something. Why did this transmission thing have to happen now? Now I effectively don’t have a car. I went to Wal-Mart today got a back pack, a bike lock, and I drink holder for my bike. I’m going to be riding it a lot. My dream is to be able to ride my bike to and from work, even though it is 10 miles each way. I would save about $180 a month, but I’m not sure if I would be able to live like that. I could definitely do it if I lived in town, but I don’t. At least I can blame all my problems on my father for living in this shithole in the middle of nowhere.

Fuck.

My mom left today, she was in hysterics. Well actually, she leaves at 4 a.m. tonight. But since I didn’t have a car, I had to get a ride home with her friend. But at least I am prepared for tomorrow. I’m going to ride my bike home from work tomorrow. I’ve got my backpack and my water bottle holder and my cell phone, so I’m set. I guess.

I saw Joe when I went to Wal-Mart. It’s so depressing to say goodbye to someone for ever and ever. You lie to yourself that you will send e-mails, but you just get so involved in the drama and bullshit of your life that all you can do is complain about yourself on your blog… Or at least that’s what I do. I can’t talk to the people that I love over the Internet because it gets me very depressed. I know that’s a very selfish way to act, but I just can’t handle it. I’m balancing school and work and all of these horrible things keep happening to keep me in this town that I hate so much and around people that I don’t like. I can’t take on the responsibility of being lonely too.

This is my epic battle against Crescent City. I will win or I will die. One or the other. And I know which one it’s going to be. I am going to fucking win. I’m going to beat Paranoia on trick. I am going to get a master’s degree. I am an atom and nothing can break me down. Fuck everyone and everything that gets in my way.

On the good news side of things, I did finish Survivor. I hesitate to say it, but I’m growing tired of Chuck P.’s repetitive writing style. The book was great, but he just can’t break out of that flow. It’s fun for the first hundred pages, but I was just annoyed towards the end. He was just repeating random shit, like graffiti on bathroom stalls. What the fuck was the point?

I feel like a failure because I don’t have my car. I might not be able to take my kitty to Brookings to get his stitches taken out. I might not be able to see Amanda this weekend. Eh, fuck it. I’ll ride my bike out there if I have to…but it’s the ride back that creeps me out. It would be all too stereotypical to get run down by a drunk driver at 2 a.m.

I guess all of this is just fallout from the fact that I actually am deeply sad to see my mom go. Since we had that talk on the way to Bandon, I feel like I can really relate to her.

I’m all she has in this horrible world.

I’m so tawny. I had this raging erection at work today, it would have been so embarrassing had I had to get up. My mind was racing with all the hot guys I’d fucked and the ones I had yet to fuck. It really doesn’t help that I have a huge crush on one of my coworkers and with my brain being filled up with half-remembered scenes from pornos, I half-believe he’ll see my hard-on and just blow me right there in the office. I hate how I’m just a slave to my endocrine system. I hate how with enough sleepdep, porn and reality fuse into one hazy, ersatz peep show. I really want to become a eunuch, but my voice would get all high-pitched…and I heard it’s bad for your health.

But I can’t really think of another thing to take the place of sex in my trinity of passions: technology, sex, and literature.

Nothing really fits into that hole. Gardening? Maybe extreme sports, but then again I am very lazy and get into hysterics when I have injuries. One time I passed out at the sight of my own blood.

I really could feel the message of Survivor. We all have the same collective memory due to the television shows we all watched growing up, so everything we do is preprogrammed. There is no free will. Nothing is exciting anymore. It’s just another plot. More jamais vu. The only mystery left is death.

I haven’t reached that point, but I feel like it’s coming. Thirties perhaps. Maybe forties. That seems to be the age of all of Chuck’s characters.

My face is coated in a permanent layer of oil. I could fry chicken on my face. Billions of bacteria are using my face to fuck. That’s sort of hot, in a very…protozoan way. I think I’ll watch some porn. It will bring me out of this shitty mood and perhaps free me from a repeat of today’s embarrassment.

Categories: jamais vu,Melancholy,Nostalgia

Published:
August 16, 2005 – 10:53 pm
Author:
By A.

creepy dream 0

I had this really strange dream last night. It started out where I was in some place and this woman stuck this big needle in my arm to measure my blood pressure or something, and by the time she was done there was big pool of blood in the crook of my arm, and she was talking about how I had really low blood pressure and how I should see a doctor. So I sought out a doctor, who happened to be the actor that played Dr. Montague in that movie The Haunting. He was really creeping me out, and it turned out he had super powers… but not in the Superman sense…but in the Dracula sense. He was really freaking me out by like teleporting around and fucking with my head. He ended up driving me and some other people somewhere, but I was the one driving and I didn’t want to go.

So when we stopped the car and he got out I turned the car around and started driving the other way but immediately he teleported back and tried to make me drive it the way he wanted to go so me and these other peopl got out of the car and I guess we had been drinking so we were running and being all strange and then the creepy Dr. Montague guy was running after us and we just had to keep running and so everybody was snorting out of this little bag of methamphetamine (becuase Sara had been talking about how meth was the new cool thing at the high school) and they handed it to me and I took this giant snort of it and I thought to myself “what the fuck? I would never do methamphetamines? And then my nose started to burn like hell (because one of my friends told me that that’s what happens when you snort it) and so I just kept running and then I woke up.

It was a very unnerving dream.

Categories: jamais vu

Published:
August 13, 2005 – 5:34 pm
Author:
By A.