> Mirwais – Miss You
> Mirwais – Disco Science
> M.I.A. – $10
> Beck – Ghettochip Malfunction (Hell Yes)
> Bond – Wintersun
> Bond – Shine
I haven’t really been doing much lately, aside from listening to some new music that my friend Keith gave me. It’s odd, Keith and I have been online friends for like three years. We did a video voice chat a few days ago and it was so weird to finally hear his voice. I knew we had talked on the phone ages ago, but talking him again was really cool. I think that we stayed in touch mostly because we both think the other is hella hot. I love this new band that I downloaded called Mirwais. I’ve been listening to his incredibly sexy song “Miss You” and having copious sexual fantasies about Taggart et al. I feel sort of guilty replaying our intimate moments in my mind endlessly, but I guess what was the point of having sex with a hot guy if I couldn’t mentally instant replay it later. Eh, who am I kidding. The sex wasn’t so great. But believing that he admired me for the person I am was cool.
I haven’t been writing much lately. I guess I feel like there’s nothing going on. I’m in this terrible purgatory until I buy another computer. I guess it isn’t so bad. I’ve been watching a lot of movies and such that I’ve been getting from Netflix on my expensive surroundsound system, and it sounds incredible. I just wish I had a giant high-definition screen to watch them from.
I feel really bored. Perhaps it’s because I finished almost all the novels I bought. But if I buy more than I won’t finish The Atrocity Exhibition.
I get paid on Tuesday, and it’s probably going to be my biggest paycheck ever. And I really don’t know what I want to spend it on. I sort of want to get a 300GB external drive so as to pack all my files and such with me when I go to see Kelly, but it seems like such a needless expense when I’m going to get a new computer as early as January (from the AppleInsider rumors). Darn, the external enclosure I wanted is now out of stock! How lame. I guess the rest of the Internet liked it as much as I did. Oh god, it’s 1 a.m. I didn’t even notice.
The Saturday’s work wasn’t really so bad. I actually got out in time enough to go over to Misty’s house afterwards. She had a grand total of eight martinis (that I saw) while she and her friend flirted. I got bored very quickly and went to the living room to listen to a podcast of Now. It was really interesting, much more interesting than Misty’s drunken chatter about hot girls. She’s turning her bisexuality into a religion. For me, sexuality is a bit more of a private thing. I mean, I may idly chatter about sex on my blog, but that’s way different from going on and on about how you’re going to screw a bunch of random chicks on this trip to Medford and how you so desperately want to go out with a hot girl. The whole tirade was very Ben in San Francisco. “Hot guys! Whoo!” *yawn*
Admittedly, I’m a bit more interested in a relationship than random sex. Flings are fun and all, but they aren’t emotionally satisfying. And that’s what I would like in this stage in my life. To me, an intimate evening discussing art and politics then cuddling and watching a sad, existential movie is a hundred times sexier than some random muscley guys posing in a shop window. I feel like I’ve never been in a real relationship and I’m going to be 20 this month. I guess it could be worse, but I really do want someone special to talk about technology and novels with, to read each others’ voluminous blog posts. But sadly, I don’t really think that perfect person exists. I just have to content myself with this cartoonish hell of my two-faced coworkers and vindictive boss.
Looking for an earlier link, I found Ben’s rant about how he hated me. What a fuck. I can’t believe I ever was bummed that he stopped hanging out with me. Especially ironic is “take all the photos of me off your blog” He uses one of the photos I took of him on that trip as his MySpace photo. And all the content on my blog is licensed under a Creative Commons license. Which means he has to credit me or it’s copyright infringement. I want to sue him for spite, but that would just mean he won. Fuck him.
I really wanted to do math tonight, but I just couldn’t get into it. I had this faint headache and this thirst that wouldn’t go away… I just couldn’t concentrate. I hope tomorrow my mind will be more malleable.
But then again, when I read about all the things that Amanda is going through I realize that I don’t really want a relationship. That would mean I would have deal with another person’s drama. And then there’s the whole thing about me being unable to trust people. After you get lied to enough, it just start to believe that everyone’s lying. What’s that quote?
Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.
I guess it always comes back to Shakespeare.
I was bored and started painting today (which is never a good idea because I never have any idea of what I want to do and it just fails because I have no plan and I get frustrated) when I realized that almost every single thing I was using to paint with had carcinogenic chemicals in it. I mean, I’m not an idiot. I knew that the colors were cadmium based, but I now found out that what I was diluting the colors with contains arsenic and all sorts of other fun stuff. I think tomorrow I’m going to head over to Ben Franklin and see if I can get some nontoxic paints. I’m sorry, but my art isn’t good enough to die for. That and the oils take forever to dry.
I just don’t know what else to say. My life will be over in the blink of an eye and I will have no idea what I did with it all. Sometimes I can’t resist the feeling that every night is going to be just like tonight. Watching TV shows that I’ve already seen instead of doing what should be important to me, painting (in effect attempting to slowly kill myself in a futile attempt to prove to the world that I have something unique to say about existence.
I remember this story that Molly told forever ago, and I keep thinking back to it. She was in this Shakespeare class and had to write a paper on Romeo and Juliet. She was trying to come up with some original idea of how to attack the topic that had never been done before, and had this epiphany that there had been thousands upon thousands of papers written on the subject and that she wasn’t going to come up with any way of viewing the play that hadn’t ever been come up with before. I just can’t reconcile myself with such a thing. That novel I read last month, The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera, made the claim that whatever happens but once is unimportant. It is supposedly a German proverb. And when one thinks about it, it’s really true. Would we value Shakespeare if Romeo and Juliet type stories didn’t happen all the time? So being original is never possible? Well, I guess discoveries happen all the time and new ideas happen all the time so I guess they wouldn’t fall into that category. I still feel like an obsolete product in this society. Well, not obsolete, like, the opposite. I guess I keep obsessively watching Star Trek to convince myself that there’s a world where people don’t strive with their last breath to kill or fuck up every other living thing in existence.
Perhaps I need to read more. I just don’t know where to direct my studies. I’ve absorbed the meat of the existential and absurdist movement, but what is after that? Maybe I should read more Sartre or Camus. Eh… after I read All Men Are Mortal I got stuck in this depression for like a week. It totally broke down all the doublethink on which I base my life. Maybe I should read Nietzsche. I’ve heard it’s tremendously difficult though. But I guess I can’t be a nihilist unless I read the works of the one who basically started the school.
I guess I should shut up with all this mindless babbling. Life means nothing, and I hate it. But I want to like it. To do that I must leave Crescent City. Enough said. Kelly wants to move to New York with me. I have only one response: Hell fucking yeah.
Categories: Ennui,Melancholy

